Marty Lawrence

[restaurant]
WIFE: you’re wearing crocs
ME: so?
WIFE: I hate crocs
[next table]
CROCODILE: I'm going over there
HIS WIFE: just leave it Jeff

mid-00s emo bands be like: “this song is about when my father committed suicide and I lost everything and became a manic depressive and it’s called Burt’s Pink Minivan Got Broken Into On New Year’s Eve In 1996”

brb pitching ‘Pope Idol’ to ITV2

It happens. People come up with the same jokes. 🤷‍♂️

Me too. 😬 x.com/teaandcopy/s...

TOP TIP: Make Easter easier by replacing the 't' with an 'i'.

tbf to Katy Perry, if I dated Russell Brand I'd want to get as far away from him as possible too

I’ve just been to Sainsbury’s and the eggs, flour and milk aisles are totally empty. So sick of this mass pancake-buying.

VALENTINE'S DAY TIP: If your wife complains that you never buy her flowers, simply claim you didn't know she sold them.

Who's got a date for Valentine's Day then? Mine's February 14th.

Hats off to those braving the wind today.

I placed £1,000 on a horse but lost it all. It's really windy out there.

Happy 'Copy and Paste Your Response Every Time Someone Asks How Your Christmas Break Was' Day to all those who celebrate.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop attaching so much importance to whether strangers on the internet like my jokes or not. Please like and repost. Please

ME: for new year's, I'm giving up
FRIEND: giving up what?
ME: I don't understand

KIDS YESTERDAY: Only one more sleep until Christmas!
PARENTS TODAY: Only one more Christmas until sleep!

Just been tracking Santa with the kids. Reckon I’ll get a clear shot when he emerges from this next house.

if anyone needs someone to come to their front door and scoff the cookie and neck the whiskey their kids have left out tomorrow night just let me know (willing to travel)

DOCTOR: your test results have come back negative
ME: thank god
DOCTOR: you took a personality test
ME: oh no

ME: I can't turn the tap on!
AMERICAN FRIEND WHO I INVENTED SOLELY FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS JOKE: force it
ME: we call it a tap

[playing poker]

FRIEND: I’m all in

ME: [yearning for this type of commitment since we first met] me too, man, I’m all in too

FRIEND: um, a pair of kings

ME: you bet we are

Cream-coloured ponies
Crisp apple strudels
Doorbells
Sleigh bells
Schnitzel with noodles
Pint of milk
Loaf of bread
Dishwasher tablets

ME: our son asked me to do his homework for him today
WIFE: you can’t do that... it just wouldn’t be right
ME: exactly what I sai–
WIFE: I’d better do it instead

[filling car up]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

son: I'm a meth addict
british dad: I think you'll find it's meths

‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ is my favourite Christmas song about a woman held captive and being plied with alcohol against her will

rawdogged every single commute for the entirety of 2024 so my spotify wrapped will just be the angry voices arguing in my head no it won't be yes it will

I’ve got a lovely present for my wife in the cellar. I'll take it down to her on Christmas Day.

Shazam but for telling me whether my wife actually means it when she says ‘We won’t do Christmas presents this year’

ME: I’m pleased with that Xmas gift for my wife 😊
[one second later]
INSTAGRAM ADVERT: oi moron, here's the same gift but way cheaper
ME: oh no
INSTAGRAM ADVERT: i'm gonna remind you every single day of your sorry life
ME: pls don’t
INSTAGRAM ADVERT: [mimicking] ooh pls don't, such a fuckin idiot