Lisa, Duchess of Netflix

I don't give a flying fk what your societal stature is... if your name is in the Epstein files, you should be compelled to testify and be held accountable

And she gave a lot of details.

If you're a vegan it is okay to eat a comet but not so much an asteroid because they're a little meteor

Don't even get me started on that slut Mr. Clean.

The best thing about getting a cup of tea at a diner in the US is how they pull a crushed Lipton tea bag out of a cob-webbed box that's been there since the Bush administration.

No, and maybe that's a good thing.

Same as my pinned tweet here.
I meant to delete a post below it, and accidentally hit the wrong tweet. 😔
Now, it lives on, here.

This is not what adulthood looked like in the brochure.

My grandfather used to say "Ok, thank you", and hang up.

'bye now' is the most abrupt way to end a call.

Hot take: wiener dogs should be called worm dogs

Thinking about getting my own popemobile.

*turns on the news*

*turns off the news*

Occasionally, I have clients who will ask if I'd like to get together outside of work and there aren't enough ways for me to say absolutely fucking not politely.

ᴸᵒᶜᵏ ᵗʰᵉᵐ ᵘᵖ

I can't make you horny but I can make you question your sanity.

If you're dumb enough to play hide and seek with a ghost, here's a clue. They always win.

idontwanttoliveintrumplandiaanymore

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

Seems like a good year to try to bring back asbestos insulation if that's your thing

I like to think my cat looks away out of respect of my superior dancing skills, and not out of shame for my attempts at dancing

i am only interested in content destroyers

no longer allowed to listen to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go while pumping gas

hey are you guys wang chungin tonight or

I just accidentally deleted my top tweet over at the old place. That was my top tweet for over a decade.
😔

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like the neighbor's from a 70s TV sitcom.

They should invent snow that is not piled up at the corner at the intersection making it almost impossible to safely merge or make a turn.

On eye charts it might be fun to replace one line of letters with the words "what you did there."

And they shall know me by the trail of sesame seeds from my morning bagel.