I’ve been talking to her about it a bit, and am gonna be getting my resume updated this weekend, so, fingers crossed
def not using my deadname at my next job, even if I don’t have things legally changed, but it also won’t be an office in rural Missouri with 0 women on the team, which will be nice
Luckily, the last trans woman who left our office because of him is trying to poach me for a job at her current place, so as long as it can be remote, and I don’t fuck up the interviews, maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel
I keep putting that out of my mind, but, amazingly enough, it actually does affect me, and I should probably deal with it one of these days
turning this over in my head again, and really I just need a new job. I would be a lot more willing to be properly out if I didn’t have to fly back to an office in a deep red state to work next to a guy who has posted barely veiled death threats to trans people
one day I will stop waiting for the perfect moment….. probably.
yeah, I know you’re right, but I want my half out nonsense to be good enough while still feeling safe/comfortable - and every time I work up the courage to get my shit legally changed, we see new news drop about govt lists or not getting docs back, and that’s been quite effective at smacking me down
…but is that true? or do I just not want to jeopardize my comfort?
it’s hard to tell myself I couldn’t be doing more
but it’s also hard to not be scared, especially now
and if I’m not using that privilege, can I really say I am helping? Is my carefully groomed, minimally visible existence really resistance?
it’s easy to tell myself that I’m helping in other ways and those would be jeopardized if I was more visible…
am I actually just a coward? that’s probably the answer, but it’s so much easier to couch in my fear of bringing harm to others
but how much harm am I doing in not being as visible as I can be? I am drowning in privilege afforded to me and not others by the circumstances of my existence
“is it main character syndrome or a legitimate fear that I might become visible or loud enough that the state lashes out?”
a thought rotated in my mind for the thousandth time as my in-laws get that much closer to operating the mechanisms that would be turned on me and mine
eh, it’ll be pretty clear, I suppose. last time i saw these people in person I had a beard and a distinct lack of boobs
this has been existential echos from piper’s office. stay tuned, and you might catch her emerging to yell at clouds later. don’t let her see her shadow though, or it may be six more weeks of reclusion…. or is that if she doesn’t see her shadow? who knows.
[static]
glad I got out of kc. less glad I’ll be back there in a month
gonna be a fun convo of why they’d rather I not go to lunch on the kansas side
screaming into the void isn’t exactly the most useful thing, but i can’t seem to do anything else
telling the guy that was my best man at my wedding that we would end up on opposite sides of the civil war has only gotten louder in the last couple years. I knew I wasn’t wrong then, but I didn’t realize just how right I was. he didn’t get it and laughed it off. I moved out at the end of that lease
i can’t be subjecting my friends or anyone else to shit because I’m somehow blind to it, and the answer is clearly that I need to be not blind to it, but I also need to figure out how I fucked up being a person people can tell when something is wrong - that feels like a huge issue and it’s eating me
how did my discernment fail so grossly? and how did I manage to convince my friends I wouldn’t hear their warnings? hearing that everyone knew he was a pos is like, great and all, but how do I not have that take years to make it back to my dumb ass next time?
the realization that I was and have been just wrong about the people I stuck my neck out for is going to haunt me for a long time
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [we will return with regularly scheduled programming momentarily] aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
If you’re having packaging issues, you could just pivot to a 13b swap instead. It’ll be super reliable.
(a 13b Prius would be truly special)
putting time into appreciating and creating art is on this list too
a late, but important addition
one day i will learn to peel my eyes away from the crashing train that i cannot possibly help before the internal grappling of wanting to help and knowing that my interaction will not help drains the little energy i have
that day was not today
(but thank fuck im smart enough to stay out 🙏)
I simply think that the worries the elite have about the Epstein files turning into a moral panic should be realized but far worse and far more terminally than they could ever possibly fear.
apparently, even if you’ve been doing it for a long time and are pretty good at it, masking can be pretty rough on your mental, even if you don’t notice it right away
also turns out that as you start to treat yourself better, you might start feeling the weight of things more honestly
how rude.
mine has been super easy - way easier than any of my cartilage piercings. i think it’s a big thing to make sure you get it clean and /dry/ after a shower because the area can hold on to moisture, but that’s the only thing i did special with it
only now that my ability to maintain it is wearing thin, i think im starting to understand how much of my energy is eaten by the face i put on at work
i’ve shed so much of this mask, but it feels like its only getting heavier
they already barely tolerate the mask. imagine if they knew…
> y
has been one of my easiest piercings, and it’s so much fun. i think one would look great on you!
def dying my hair though - back to purple we go
still can’t do my nipples - that will have to wait a few more months, i think - but i can get more helix piercings
or maybe im bold and i do my nose? might still be too scared for that
maybe dying my hair again and scheduling some piercings will fix me
