Eliza Schultz

sometimes you reflect on your day and you realize zero fruits zero vegetables

it’s so messed up you’re not allowed to pee while your plane is taxiing

would I be a better lawyer if I were more manipulative

someone PLEASE tell me what Cup of Jo’s paywalled relationship update is

The Traitors Season 4

The Pitt Season 2

This is my Barbenheimer

#TheTraitorsUS #ThePitt

opened the booklet that lists and ranks all the donors to my law school, wondering which blow hards in my class actually donate, and was as surprised as anyone to learn that I (1) donate and (2) am my class’s top donor

I like being a workers' rights lawyer but sometimes I think I need to be restoring commonsense in the fashion industry

they dont make normal jeans anymore. my kingdom for a pair of 100% cotton, slim-fitting, clean-washed jeans that aren't shaped like an elbow

exact same!! What a treat! Wish I’d encountered Jane at a younger age - such a great role model (way better than Rory Gilmore with all due respect)

aw if only I didn’t already have my two doofuses

I continue to be a constant source of humiliation to myself

how does anyone ever remember their password

I am continually baffled by how freely Boomers talk about their daughters' egg freezing. "Tracy's retrieval was very fruitful this past round" "Shannon's eggs are being stored in London!"

craziest thing about going to Saint Ann’s was being in 8th grade and getting invited to a 9th grader’s birthday party at Bungalow 8

send me the exam

pet peeve is when I ask someone what kind of dog they have and they answer “a rescue”

subway fare going up to $3 is so fucked up

also, never speak to me about your baby’s genetic superiority

everyone is lucky that I haven’t l created a disturbance in response to the subway ad that says “IQ is 50% genetic, height is 80% genetic, have your best baby”

thanks for NOTHING New Jersey! (You know what you did)

no

virginia i dont hate you for the time being even though law school was a bad time <3

every few years I remember Mars 2112 and my several evenings there 🙏👽🥲

always embarrassing to go on a little 3 mile run on marathon day

Alex from Survivor 49 reminds me of how all the guys I dated in DC were so charmed by themselves!!!

I have something to say about fashion but I have absolutely no platform for same

beautiful piece by my best friend

Noah just implemented a new house rule: can’t interrupt a human to talk to a dog

Survivor 49 cast is like all nerds

the case for not being on twitter is that your feed won't be like 60% taylor swift content