Elliott Downing

🎵 I said I'd make
a nice dessert for you
and bring a side dish, too

and it was all Jell-o

Hello, as you can see from my model-like physique, exquisite facial structure, bow-shaped lips, and GLASSES, I am a lonely, awkward social misfit who has given up on ever finding her chance at love.

It still has that new year smell, though.

Likewise, slightly late.

Looks like colonialism's back on the menu, boys

If you know so much about holiday gift cards, name three of their songs. Poser

Things not to say when the job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 10 years:

-Dancing on the grave of the capitalist order
-Still fuckin' like a champ
-Laid off from here for about eight years, statistically speaking
-Answering these questions, if you ask them any slower

And yet this may technically be the bravest thing Marco Rubio has ever done.

As a child, I was led to believe I would have SO many more woodland friends than I actually do have. Granted, that could be on me

Early Addition: The State Department's war on inclusive fonts Because Calibri has been targeted as a DEI initiative that must be banished, here are your early links: Kathryn Garcia to lead Port Authority, "Jay and Silent Bob" striking yet again, some good restau...

Welp,
gothamist.com/news/early-a...

What would even be the point if it wasn't

I guess when you've already spent your entire life as a weird, sad cartoon character who can't make convincing human facial expressions, it's an easy mistake to assume everyone else has been dreaming of doing that too

Meta CEO Zuckerberg plans deep cuts for Metaverse efforts, Bloomberg News reports Dec 4 (Reuters) - Meta's Mark Zuckerberg is expected to meaningfully cut resources for building the so-called metaverse, Bloomberg News reported on Thursday, citing people familiar with the discussion

"Hey, remember that obviously stupid shit I renamed our whole company after? Yeah, it turns out that shit was stupid. Who knew, right? Anyway, you're all fired. But I can't be, so it's all good."
finance.yahoo.com/news/meta-ce...

I really hope other clue-bereft electronics companies are taking careful notes here so they can soon entreat us to "Give your Christmas a higher pixel density" or some shit

Ad text: Make the season sound cinematic

Here's a strong contender for lamest ad copy ever written. Like, WHY? Why would I or anyone else on Earth be imagined to have ever wanted the thing these words are laboring ham-handedly to communicate?

I don't mean to sound all paranoid here, but I feel like there might be a second number they just calculated and they're probably more excited about that one.

Always be wary when a corporation tells you how much you're about to save.

The end game for Trump and his ardent supporters has *always* been to deploy American soldiers against American citizens who aren't Trump and his ardent supporters. It's never been subtle or ambiguous, except to fucking dumbasses who thought they were voting for cheaper eggs.

But ACTUALLY being the dumbest motherfucker alive is staggeringly difficult

Thoughtful flourishes like those are what separate "Honey, would you like to have lunch with me on Tuesday?" from "Blood of mine own, let us feast at the stroke of noon like pagan kings."

unfortunately im working tuesdays now so i can't make it

[every text from now on]
Mom, that isn't just a lunch invitation—it's a strategic roadmap for meal acquisition. Your text:

-States when and where lunch will occur.
-Describes the menu.
-Mentions nearby parking options.

That's not an invite—it's an all-access pass to a midday dining festival.

Oh, that's good then! Um,

Been quietly wishing you success on that G-ing TFO goal for several years now, so the obvious conclusion to be drawn here is that my wishes SUCK and are of help to no one. But you are welcome to keep accruing as many of those non-functional little bastards as you like until one of 'em finally works

I had to go there because somebody died, which I guess is as good a reason to be there as any. Probably better than yours, actually, which I'm assuming is more like "Somebody was born. It was me. It happened here. So…"

(Sorry, I was trying to be coy and non-specific there but I guess all your stalkers just drew a definitive 'X' through Montana on their wall maps anyway, my bad)

I had to spend the whole summer in your actual home state and he's kinda not wrong tbh

Down the Pub YouTube video by Hard Skin - Topic

And okay, I know you were dying to know. Enjoy.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERI_...

Screenshot text: The artist mentions committing criminal acts such as stealing alcohol, physical violence, and defecating in someone's footwear.

If there is any greater pleasure in life than going to websites that purport to "explain" song lyrics to you and looking up their interpretations of random punk songs, then I mean, sure, I'd probably be better off doing that with my limited time on Earth instead, but C'MON

Maybe in the end, our AI-administered social media personas will autonomously battle each other to the death online and we can all just meet up at the park and play frisbee or something

Damn it, first it was the Roman Empire and now this. Will I ever not be doing it wrong