@sgpassage
I take the newspaper puzzle #ScrabbleGrams and, after finding the day's four top scoring words, try to construct them into an amusing passage. On Sundays I construct a passage using a week's worth of #NYTSpellingBee pangrams.
I know Master Brandon is excited to tour your new SAWMILL, MILORD, but he really needs to be home studying ALGEBRA. Bad SAWMILL maths led to the hands-cutting EPISODE that drove the previous owners bankrupt, as you'll recall
The birthday boy began to cry. "Why do I have to share my CUPCAKE with GRIMACE? Sniff, of any MEMBER of the McDonaldland gang, he clearly has the worst HYGIENE - just look at him!"
Inspired by the success of Heated RIVALRY, we began work immediately on developing our own sports romance.
"I've got a SACKFUL of balls here."
"I bet you do!" etc.
Although we felt our fortunes were UPBOUND, we were quickly sued for a LITANY of reasons. Also we never figured out what sport it was.
"One of our own should GOVERN us, not some dame in a PILLBOX hat," said the steel FOUNDRY worker. "AARRGHH!" he added, as I surreptitiously poured a little molten steel on his foot.
It was quite the HOOPLA as the gang of government scientists plotted to RANSACK Trump's inner SANCTUM at Mara Lago.
"*I'm* going to find out what POLYMER those 'gold' fixtures are actually made of," said a chemist excitedly.
Trump playing with his phone. Text says: tfw you're GUILTY of dropping more than a GIGATON of bombs on another country without a plan or PROGRAM, but you're in the second of your TWOFOLD presidencies, so you don't really give a fuck
Finding a functional SAMURAI sword made entirely of PEWTER buried in a rock formation violates the laws of both GEOLOGY and metallurgy. The TWONESS of this impossibility means this sword is a gift from the gods, who must bless our quest to, uh... what's our quest again?
The SNAKISH Secretary of the Interior smiled evilly and said, "We're going to UNWEAVE history and bring back coal production. Coal releases carbon DIOXIDE, which makes plants thrive! Then we're going to litter, phone PHREAK, and shake babies like it's the 1960s!"
This stupid college in its PODUNK town won't give me a DIPLOMA until I can explain the difference between FORWORN and GANGLIA
"What should this evening's entertainment be? We could watch a GEEKISH REQUIEM for old arcade games, hear our WANNABE dictator blather on for two hours, or attend an IMPROV comedy showcase."
"Heck, I'm no masochist. Just bludgeon me with this mallet until I pass out for the night."
Any growth on my DESKTOP, be it SINUOUS plant vines or something more FUNGOID, could seriously IMPEDE my ability to do work today.
The VLOGGER thought she was using SLEIGHT by ripping off the idea of "interviews on TRANSIT" from "Subway Takes with Kareem Rahma," but didn't realize her audience had already seen it. Other things that IMPAIR her bus videos are traffic noise and boring subjects.
In an UPSTAIR room above the fair's MIDWAY, the geek hurriedly crafted a replacement THYROID for the sword swallower out of SILICON.
tfw you go to see the MEDICO, who presumably would FORTIFY you with medicine or bandages or something, but first you see a BONANZA of barbiturates, so you ABSCOND with them and vamoose instead and can never go back
Caption: It's a RARITY when my "Tea Party Trap" will ATTRACT any CRITTER other than a few sleepy DORMICE, so when I got a March Hare and an Alice too... Image: tea party scene from the book Alice in Wonderland
From 9 years ago
"That CARWASH is a front for the Mob," said the reporter, as he started to UNSPOOL film from his shoe camera. "My first TIPOFF was when they left a GLOBULE of marinara on my Honda Fit."
A collection of six ominous bird valentines set against a background of pink hearts. In the first one, a Canada Goose looks angry and hisses and the text says "Baby, I'll make you fall head over heels if you approach within 10m of my nest." In the second, an American white pelican opens its mouth to eat the reader and the text says "There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I want this one." In the third valentine, a Black Vulture looks suspiciously at the reader and the text says "I will love you until you die. And after that, I'll love you even more." A Southern Cassowary stands proudly against the heart-covered background. The text says "My wattles are red. My head is blue. My deadly reputation has been somewhat overblown, but I'd kill for you." In the fifth valentine, a Northern Giant-Petrel stands open-billed next to a large brown furry object, and the text says "Let's seal the deal by sharing a 3000 kg elephant seal carcass." In panel 6, a happy-looking Bearded Vulture holds a bone in its beak, and the text says "I love every part of you, especially your bones."
Ominous bird valentines.
Visibly agitated regular newsstand customer: Let me be UPFRONT with you: unless the Philadelphia GAZETTE is located MIDMOST on your front rack here, I get very UNEASY. Here, let me rearrange it for you.
1972: after the DOZENTH attempt to UPSTAGE D.B. Cooper and THIEVE cash by hijacking a plane, every AIRLINE and airport begins to implement increased security measures. [Sorry for the passage almost literally from Wikipedia (en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D._B._C...) but that's how the words worked out!]
I DISAVOW my earlier post - just because ENTROPY means both your THYMUS and a GUNLOCK will eventually fail, that doesn't mean they're worthless. I'd like to apologize to both Smith & Wesson and puberty.
"The Democrats OUTPOLL the Republicans on the generic ballot," said the NEWSMAN. "The Olympics commence with PARKOUR on 'easy mode': jumping on and off one sheet of TATAMI. Oh, and someone won the Super Bowl. All this and more on CBS Evening News with Tony Dokoupil."
I was feeling EBULLIENT until I saw BULLETIN of Atomic Scientists' latest Doomsday Clock (85 seconds to midnight!). I decided I should give ChatGPT a PROPITIATORY sacrifice to prevent it from destroying the world. But what does one give the chatbot that has everything? Is it TOPIARY?
As I read *Julius Caesar*'s DRAMATIC, MENACING MIDMONTH portent, "Beware the Ides of March!", I had the EPIPHANY that such DIVINELY timed warnings were exclusively a feature of the past. 🧵
"Well, *I* think William should travel UPCOAST with that hussy to have a TAWDRY affair. I think that would ENNOBLE them both."
"Mother, please. Could you ease up on the SARCASM until we've finished our coffee?"
"I knew ACADEME would be an UPHILL journey, but I didn't imagine it would involve putting up DRYWALL in my professor's vacation cottage while he sits under a COCONUT tree."
"Shh! Do you want him to sign our theses or not?" 🌴
Devastated to see what’s happening at a place that I loved because it was the writing home of so many people I loved. what a gutting week
The UNITARD-wearing cat burglar has caused MISERY all over the DIOCESE, stealing everything from the bishop's miter to the bishop's vestment, that VARMENT!
"You're such a nerd! The only exercise you get is an occasional PUSHUP, and I mean of your EYEWEAR."
"That's a FALLACY! I also frequently lift printouts of my 800 page (and counting) NOVELLA."
It's NOTABLE and ironic that it's believers in the trinity of God (though not believers in the god holding the TRIDENT) that are also supporters of UNITARY executive theory, while it's up to those that keep KOSHER to point out there need to be checks within the executive branch.