Mrs. Dick Helicopter 💩📺

I've been vulnerable before. Zero stars.

With a bunch of rabbits up his ass…

Warren

Lying outside the front door?

Matt

makes you wonder if he has an evil twin named Mikedwayne

😱

It's not my job to judge people, it's more like a hobby.

The White House without a pet is like America without democracy.

I know this isn't the time for jokes, but also it is precisely the time for jokes

Much like a succulent, I too thrive on neglect.

to the woman in the next stall singing along to The Spinners’ Could It Be I’m Falling in Love…

sounds more like explosive diarrhea

❤️‍🩹

Celery is ribbed for no one’s pleasure.

Everything’s gonna be fine as long as celebrities don’t start singing Imagine

there is a lot of sadness in the world but perhaps nothing more heartbreaking than the face of the dog who must fast before his visit to the vet this morning

God damn, what the hell is in those files?

The world is burning because of perverted old rich men

You need to vent where you feel safe to do so, dear

Oh Kitty!

my first thought was for the young people who will get sucked into this ❤️‍🩹

I’m not saying I’m depressed, but I’m listening to the Smiths as a pick me up.

“Jesus Fucking Christ” she muttered looking at this morning’s headlines

Don’t make me informed. You wouldn’t like me informed.

Before social media, I would sit on a sandbar and wait for the tide to come in

Ever finish a chapter in your life and wish you’d never learned to read?

America needs a hard reboot.

Okay, maybe that wasn't my last straw, but I have 3 to 4 straws left at most, so you better watch out.

just because it takes a really long time doesn’t make the sex good

same with presidential addresses

Bring back volcano sacrifices!

Fucking Asshole

Your Tax Dollars at Work

USA viewers we now return you to your regularly scheduled total collapse of democracy

Interviewer: It says here you're good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?

Me: Contuitively.