Nathalie with an h

Huey Lewis: *falls and breaks pelvis*

The News: Hip to repair

Excuse me I was born multiple decades ago how dare you expect me to learn new things.

"We'll find each other in the next life," she threatened.

Establish dominance at Thanksgiving this year by keeping all the dishes that get passed to you.

How many years is a panic-attack supposed to last?

Fun game:
Text your mom on Thanksgiving afternoon "How many minutes do I microwave a 25lb frozen turkey?"

Who called the feminine product brand "Always" instead of "Periodically"?

Be the awk you want to see in the ward

Oh gosh loved him :(

Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

It is written that for every Bon Jovi there is an Evil Jovi counterpart committing unspeakable atrocities

The world: Why do you drink so much?
Me: I’m a writer
The world: You’re a grant writer
Me: 🤫

He died doing what he loved, and, partly, because he did not read the directions about doing what he loved

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

You don't know stress until your Sicilian girlfriend's dad says "take care of my daughter"

When I put on my jorts, I ask myself, “Are these sassy enough?” They never are.

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

Someone needs to talk about how hard it is to stop when lining your lips, or filling in eyebrows. Before you know it, your lips and eyebrows are half your face and you don't even know how you got there

A couple is sitting side-by-side in a booth, silently staring straight ahead as though they hate one another. Gosh. I wish I had someone to hate in a booth.

I don’t act my age doesn’t mean I won’t throw down some digestive health facts.

Sneaking into your dreams, but with snacks.