Schmrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrlex

grew up having that for breakfast on the gravel bar when we went canoeing. hormel hash, bread toasted on a wood fire, couple of over easy eggs. best dog food in the world

glad someone got it, felt like a bit of a deep cut

(wizard open mic) don’t ya hate it when your homunculus becomes ensouled? (audience murmuring derisively) sooo much paperwork (cough. couple hisses. squinting past the stage lights) ah i see we have a few clay friends in the audience tonight, that’s awesome

Particle Man: *jolts awake in a cold sweat* I dreamed of him again

"racing" doing a lot of work in that sentence as to SpaceX. Starship has not made it to orbit and the plans for using it outside of earth orbit make no sense

they are so judgmental. maybe the baby wanted to live in the river

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

as a St. Louisan, this is libelous. yes Panera will slice a bagel this way if you want one. but St. Louisans do not traditionally eat their bagels this way and there is nothing "St. Louis style" about it

host: oh those eggs are beautiful. and you put a paprika star on each one!

me: it's a pentagram. you said to bring satanic eggs

host: I said devilled eggs

me: I have brought you the fowl-spawn you demanded, yet you answer me with riddles. my Dark Master shall hear of it

absolutely. it was created in the first place as popular entertainment! I just don't want to sound like someone saying "if you don't enjoy opera you're a moron"

son: so they were circles?

me: yeah

son: in crops?

me: yeah

son: and this made people freak out?

me: yeah, the whole world

son: dumb

me: well…they were pretty big circles

been a long time since we've had any real innovation in the guillotine tech space

prayer is also fake but religion still does a helluva business

90% of "ancient alien" media is "NO ONE CAN EXPLAIN THIS ROCK"

Bush created a massive militarized police/surveillance apparatus free of oversight to "protect our freedoms." you'll never guess what happened next!!!

ask the average MAGA voter to just name one opera!

this discourse sounds classist/judgmental, but these people are the ones bringing up "preserving Western culture" when they have zero connection to it

opening a business that offers neither goods nor services, but a secret third thing: mystical knowledge of the Absolute (cash only there's an ATM in the Walgreens across the street)

man is it frustrating to hear MAGA claim their brutality is necessary to "protect western culture." what culture are you protecting, exactly? Kid Rock? Chik-Fil-A? because I know these fascists ain't readin' Proust

"crime" including alerting ICE when your landscapers show up so they can come and terrorize them and drag them off to the camps

The Irish fled here as impoverished immigrants because the English were STARVING MILLIONS OF THEM TO DEATH WHILE STILL EXPORTING FOOD FROM IRELAND FOR PROFIT. and many Americans were incredibly racist towards them and said they would destroy our culture

so that's why they talk so much

honey I mossed the kids. I turned them into moss. yes I realize that's much worse than shrinking them

here's a joke: what has four legs but doesn't walk?

*at the same time*

me: a table!

my strangest child: a dead zebra

put an egg on your egg so you can egg while you egg

people in the replies pointing out that Minnesotans again demonstrating their fundamental human decency, but I want to shout out Wisconsin for keeping it real

it's over. I'm done. Columbia House finally found me

I knew a bird who exploded and he was totally fine