a friend once said her mouth was "VERY wet" and I can't unhear it (because I literally hear every sound her wet ass mouth makes 24/7 BLECHHHUHGGGHG)
16.03.2025 02:36
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a friend once said her mouth was "VERY wet" and I can't unhear it (because I literally hear every sound her wet ass mouth makes 24/7 BLECHHHUHGGGHG)
how do I turn the volume on my dog's mouth down asking for me pLeAsE JeEzuS
this is going to sound very curmudgeonly and not very GREEN ☮️🍃🌏 of me, but we simply have too many gadgets we need to charge now I cannot keep up with all da chargez
They got detectives out here on cold case named “Hefflefinger” and “Butts” and I’m supposed to take this murder seriously?! Come onnnnnnn
why is it always “spam risk” and never “spam reward” 😒
was watching my dog eat a bone while sitting down…I sat on a pile of blankets and jumped up so fast because I thought I sat on my dog but that bitch was eating a bone and I was watching her am I ok
keep thinking about how every invention probably started with someone figuring something out and being like “whoa what the FUCK we should keep DOING THAT”
“SAY DRAKE”
I love that his eye black matches his eye brows ☺️ jk he’s hot congrats eagles (don’t get mad I was rooting for everyone)
when someone finishes explaining board game rules and says “you ready to give it a try?!”
For legal reasons this IS A JOKE
when I’m driving and suddenly remember I’m driving:
when your friend texts “you here yet?” and you forgot you had anywhere to be:
and no I don’t have a salad spinner I dropped it somehow and it broke like THIS like WHAT HOW
Like cause of death: salad spinner dropping on head or some shit
ok I am not a bad cook I’m actually kinda good….but there is definitely a final destination situation happening in my home
ok I need to have workplace gossip again. I’m on a walk and just said TO MY DOG “oh look at this two little floofers over there! They kinda look alike! I wonder if they’re related or if they’re fucking”
Like….first of all it’s probably both and SECONDLY
ok wait I see what he’s doin…..
ok wait I see what he’s doin…..
driving west during a sunset in LA
I have a doctor’s appointment on Monday, Jan 6….im thinking about dressing up for the holiday when I go in
holy shit this dinner scene in nightbitch
Oh you mean the NosferCOCKtu?
handsome man: hi
me: YOU ARE HANDSOME
I love Christmas movies :)
Oh you mean the NosferCOCKtu?
Today I accidentally bought a $24 bag of coffee beans at a fancy coffee shop and did that thing where I tried to look like it was totally fine and normal while I paid but inside I was like
my instagram stories right now are giving “way too much” and “she seems unwell” with a side of “maybe she’s just bored but also maybe she should go touch grass”
Thought this would be a hot joke on here, damn 😂😂😂
