Chewyfally

Why do all college basketball coaches look like they're in the Epstein files...

My child and her friends have invented something called "butt tag" and it's exactly what you think it is...

"You know how a circle goes round and round and never stops? That's how much I love you."

-My daughter, minutes after being a terror and also being mean to her uncle in the family group chat. Girls are wild, man.

I haven't seen enough of Paul Giamatti's goofy goober face lately.

She's furious.

All the Ocean's 11 films are just Julia Roberts getting progressively angrier at every single man she encounters.

".... y'know, you could have just worn a hat to cover your ears and blend in."
"No. Abaya."

It's too cold to leave the house and my teenager has been sleeping all day, which means now she'll be up all night trying to fist fight everyone while listening to nu metal.

This aged terribly.

If they want to see your friend group, they are Feds
If they want to see your party , they are Feds
If you try to order pizza, but first off, they wanna see ya
If they need to take your picture, they are Feds

Me: *yells out in pain from the other room*
Husband: "Did you just blow a knee talking about Martin Short again?"
Me: ".....yeah...."

I too have decided to cancel my scheduled performance at the Kennedy Center (standing outside with a boombox playing Enya and doing the Bartman for 3 hours)

Same, but with heating pad.

"I know I'm getting old because I know music's just not for me anymore." -my husband, after hearing one new pop song.

One time I was sitting in a photo pit waiting for a show to start, so I decided to check on my kid's grades and pulled up the Power School app. Suddenly I heard someone whisper "I'm proud of you" and it was a guy at the barricade spying on my phone and saw all the A grades.

Furthermore, most archeological discoveries were made by Egyptians but claimed by Westerners. 🙄

Everyone quit getting excited about the Mummy reboot. They didn't cast any Arabs, and what's worse is that the main Middle Eastern character was played by an Israeli. No disrespect to the lovely Brendan Fraser, but can't stand the franchise for that sole reason.

Literally cuddling with her right now ❤️

*band I like releases new music*

Me: "Oh yay! Haven't heard from these guys in a while. Wonder what they've been up to?"

*Google search shows them with anti-Palestinian rhetoric*

Me: *Sigh*

Every fucking week now.

I'm covering the 6arelyhuman show tonight and all the kids are dressed so cute and every straight man looks like a drug dealer from Beloit, Kansas.

It was madness lol.

Took my eight year-old to ONE Chappell Roan concert and now on the way home she blurts out "Why aren't there any girl Presidents?"

Nothing gives me more anxiety than watching glass blowers.

There's gotta be an episode where Mordecai and Rigby fight Microsoft Excel.

I had a hunch. 🙃

I have a really great photographer and I wish we both could do the show. 😔

I honestly can't blame them. This is a huge opportunity, and it's sort of her hometown. Those of us who don't receive photo passes will feel like huge idiots.

We're vacationing on a beach in a state where weed is legal. Everytime we catch a whiff of it from someone, my teen goes "It smells like The Bottleneck in here!"

Why every five posts on Facebook I got a see animals diving at the Olympics...

Buff Jacob appears with short hair. "Oh my God he has a tall neck."