connie

hating everything about the way my body looks tonight

anxious. i feel the downward spiral coming.

it would have been so much worse if i didn't have so many loved ones outside of the Campfire server who were available to comfort me. but i am so tired of trying to earn the approval of critters who clearly don't think of me as worth their time.

that one fucking hurt

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck i want weed

at that point of the evening where i'm just mindlessly refreshing the Discover tab, eyes glazed over

fuuuuuuuuck it happened again

oh no where did all my happy go. had it just a few hours ago.

yesterday was a struggle. and today is going to be one, too.

should shower and eat food from fridge before work

instead, i'm gonna roll out of bed 10min before i need to leave and get fast food on the way

missing the days where i had a huge stockpile of weed, and all i did was get high, trying not to feel things

just. don't.

have the desire to exist today.

things are, in fact, not fine.

it didn't get better

the self-loathing is particularly strong this morning

weh

wowee that was a rough night

at the risk of her reading this (because every time i subtweet about someone, they find it), a friend in vr asked me what was bothering me.

how was i supposed to tell her that i felt gutted, watching her flirt and be flirted at, when she has never reciprocated my efforts to do the same with her?

should go out and howl on this therian day. but i just don't feel it tonight.

and i'm grateful and really happy i've gotten to have these experiences.

but something in my brain still desires this from the original friend group, the first place where i witnessed it. but as more and more time passes, it just seems like it's not something i'll get to have

a year later, and i've had no further luck with this group.

but somehow, beyond what i would have ever expected for myself, i've been able to be a Very Gay Lesbian with lots of new friends IRL, locally. on multiple occasions, i've engaged in the Sapphic Vibes here, close to home.

is strange.

there's my original friend group, the one where i first observed how fun and fulfilling it can be to engage in the Sapphic Vibes and just be a silly, flirty, uninhibited lesbian. and i tried so hard to be part of it during their vr hangouts. but i've never been able to make it happen.

And that might just have to be the extent of our friendship

Knowing that I will have to mindfully keep myself from pursuing those desires hurts a lot

...as well as on those who have expressed this feeling towards me. And as for that remaining group, the ones that I wish to know but who don't necessarily wish to know me...
well, I might just have to be happy with saying a sentence or two to them every other week, knowing that they know I exist.

I have an interest in getting to know certain people better. Not all of them reciprocate that feeling. Likewise, there are others who have a desire to know *me* better.
I must consider the possibility that it is perhaps better to focus my energy on those who reciprocate this feeling,

i wasn't supposed to be feeling like this after blfc ended

My arm stings

Blfc '25 - a really great time that shouldn't have ended as it did

...wh-what?