Streatham Rovers Football Club

Yes, Gary Desmond, age 48, I'm talking about you. Nearly twenty emails we've received from him today begging us to do a mother's day post. This is supposed to be my day off.

We would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Happy Mother's Day, particularly the mothers of sons who are so emotionally crippled they can only express their feelings of maternal love by interacting with a social media post by their local non-league club. #SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds

Big thanks to our ballboys who we brought by coach to Bewbush United yesterday. They helped speed up the game against opponents known for their slovenly approach, playing an important part in us securing a narrow 0-0 draw. #SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds #NeverStopNotGivingUp #TurboMotivation

Oh so you assume that was because of the boots? Maybe he broke the gaffa's 96 hour pre-match sex ban? Did you consider that?

The eagle eyed amongst you will have spotted that yesterday Troy Best was wearing some unique boots - they are a prototype developed by biological warfare researchers at University College Borehamwood made from lab-grown human flesh that replicate the natural feel of playing barefoot. #SRFC

Probably broken though. Stupid animal.

(This bit isn't part of the Official Club Statement, just a personal plea by me Terry Banner awardwinning #SRFC Social Media Admin)

The hydrotherapy pool and the cash is absolutely essential. PLEASE don't take it away. @elonmusk @realDonaldTrump I'm on my knees here begging you.

We (the current Club Committee) believe it commenced when former owner & chairman Cedric Topper began writing anti-communist columns in the match day programmes.

The money, which amounts to around £10k a year, mostly goes towards the costs of running our hydrotherapy pool. (2/2)

CLUB STATEMENT:

In the interests of transparency we want to publicly acknowledge that Streatham Rovers Football Club has been in the receipt of funding from the United States Agency for International Development since the mid-1980s. (1/2)

We want this Pete Brooksbank character tracked down. Let him explain his actions fully via the Greyhound Lane stadium tanoy system on the pitch at half-time instead of hiding away like a cowardly weasel in the pages of some barely read football magazine.

Somebody must have slandered Streatham Rovers Football Club. Without having done anything wrong, we have been well and truly fingered as some sort of byword for corruption and illegality in semi-professional football... like a dog!

It's a total disgrace.

The Club Committee have been sent this image, taken from the latest copy of When Saturday Comes, in which the phrase "Streatham Rovers-esque" is used in a review of a book about corruption in non-league football.

This is a complete and utter disgrace.

We are 110% innocent.

#SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds

That's what football's all about at the end of the day 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Yesterday we were visited by Sammy The Scrotum, BALLSistic's brand new mascot to help encourage children to take the potentially fatal dual threat of testicular cancer and men's mental health seriously. #SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds

You can now follow Streatham Rovers Football Club on the "REDnote" social media app. #SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds #NeverStopNotGivingUp #TurboMotivation #WhatAClubWhatAnEthos

He's a cybertroll

We will push for some form of pulverised mammals whatever kit supplier we end up with 👍

Would like to issue a minor correction: having re-read the email it turns out we have in fact signed a kit supply deal with a firm called "Adihash".

We are absolutely delighted to announce that next season's playing kit will be produced by Adidas.

This is a groundbreaking deal for Streatham Rovers Football Club and highlights how we continue to go from strength to strength.

#SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds #NeverStopNotGivingUp #WhatAClubWhatAnEthos

We were absolutely delighted to welcome Bradley Walsh's son onto the pitch to draw the lucky winner of today's Half-Time Meat Raffle. Awooga!

BRILLIANT ANNOUNCEMENT: We have a bona fide household name CELEBRITY drawing today's Half-Time Meat Raffle. Real stardust is going to be sprinkled on the hallowed turf of the Greyhound Lane Stadium this afternoon. You will NOT want to miss this! #SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds #NeverStopNotGivingUp

Happy New Year to all our supporters, players, coaching staff, Club Committee Members & volunteers.

We would like to take this opportunity to remind visitors to Greyhound Lane to not park on the double yellow lines outside the main stand. You are at risk of being clamped. #SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds

I'm going to do a review of 2024 to keep you all up to date as soon as the washing machine is fixed. But please don't interpret this as Streatham Rovers Football Club moving over to Bluesky. The Club Committee think Elon Musk is doing an absolutely fantastic job 👍

Hello. This is Terry Banner. #SRFC #UpTheGreyhounds #NeverStopNotGivingUp #WhatAClubWhatAnEthos #COYBIPAG #AubergineArmy #ThinkAboutGoals #FootballFamily #streathamrovers #streathamroversfc #streatham