Jake_Vig

If you're happy and you know it, ew

Knock off toilet it looks like Darth Vader and a football uniform called star power warrior with silver boots and a red light saber between his leg

Hey "Space Power Warrior," is that your lightsaber, or are you just happy to see me?

Comic panel with a space superhero type dude that says there's Uranus just ahead. I'll land secretly!

I've tried it dude. Can't be done.

So I guess it was either World War III or drag queens reading books to our children.

Provoking a terrorist attack to cancel the midterms

$100 each- this was a long time ago

Fill out the quip of the week poll? No problem!
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Finalists include:

@viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
@jakevig.bsky.social
@frovo.bsky.social

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Don't bother with those "smart" glasses, just duct tape two Ring dot com cameras to your face.

It'll be an IFundU

Captain of the Titanic: Oh shit, that was a titanic mistake.
*turns head towards camera*

It shocks me that people don't realize that in the song "The Gambler," the narrator poisons The Gambler with his last "swallow" of "whiskey" (it's poison) and robs him.

I know I would hit Stephen Miller so hard it would break my hand, but that's what insurance is for.

I once split a bar tab with LL Cool J

Susan Collins is very concerned that she just approved the death of many more people. She is definitely going to take this under advisement.

Although generally everybody is or should be doing these things, I think we all know a few people who should not be either kung-fu fighting or cutting footloose.

Alternate universe dads turn the lights ON when you leave the room.

All the hits, including "We have credible reports that they were on the verge of having WMDs."

I will now re-create what I was singing at the top of my lungs along to this song in the car:

🎶SOMEBODY TOLD ME
THAT I WAS A BOYFRIEND
OR WAS A GIRLFRIEND
I SAW YOU LAST FEBRUARY OF LAST WEEK
I'M NOT CONTINENTAL
I NEVER SAW "YENTL"
A-RUSHING AROUND

Not a big "correct lyrics" guy.

FINE ONE MORE

I mean...

I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.

ME: *orders in fluent French to impress you*

WAITER: Sir, this is a Japanese restaurant.

ME: ¡Dios mío!

LIFE: Listen, we can do this the hard way, or...

ME: Hard way!

LIFE: Let me finish. We can do this the hard way, or...

ME: Hard way!

LIFE: FINE HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

gold

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

ok then

OK people, enough is enough, stop cloning Jim Carrey and get back to work

All of them, baby

Great point

Anyone who does that, they should come take your kids away