Adam

I've got answers to your prayers here. The big game for your team will go your way, but that pain not being serious…

Your retelling of the Canterbury Tales as tax attorneys telling stories of offshoring has a small but strong following among billionaires.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to understand your problems, but a rocket scientist would help you get away from them very fast.

I earned my fortune the old-fashioned way by creating insurance contracts when hot sauce death waivers were deemed unenforceable in court.

I get it, Wordle. I'm starting a new streak. Do you need to remind me of my commitment issues all the time?

Before they get me, I just need to tell you to ju

Time has made you a softer person, but mainly in your belly and thighs.

Your showbiz dad didn't abandon your family using the claim that he was getting a pack of cigarettes. He said he'll be back after these messages.

Your nightly use of anti-aging cream suggests you are, in fact, living life in vain.

Why is life always sneaking up on me? I told it I quit playing hide and go seek years ago.

Today's Horoscope: The stars say don't be jealous. It's not their fault that so many people stare at them in awe. Also, they didn't agree to those revealing photos. People just used telescopic lenses. They are the victim here.

Guns always make you uncomfortable as you don't like to share attention with something that also has an explosive trigger.

The fates cut your life shorter upon your discovery that dessert does not, in fact, spoil your appetite.

I can never find a band to jam with, even though I have my own triangle.

Nothing invokes the memory of Washington and Lincoln more than a sale on vacuums.

Stop being paranoid. Your partner put a rose petal in their underwear just to try it out to smell better. They didn't do anything with someone else yesterday.

If you are a sneaky link that only got flowers today, then he'll definitely leave his wife someday. You just need to manifest it more.

Can you hire a sleep paralysis demon for your kid's bedtime, or is it something you have to inherit, like red hair or royal titles?

Bro, can you spot me while I pick up your girlfriend?

If you want to maintain healthy boundaries, then don't forget to fertilize your hedge rows.

Investing in yourself is a Ponzi scheme. It has no end, or the ability to make withdraws.

It was windy as I walked past the graveyard. While rubbing my eyes, I realize that the funeral procession thinks I have a secret relationship with the deceased.

Do I look rich enough to come from a family with a history of diagnosed mental illness? We weren't fancy country club types who lobotomized by the pool.

Is it imposter syndrome, or am I feeling guilty about being the evil doppelgänger?

It is excellent, but I especially like the buffalo wings.

You are quicker to judge than someone watching an Olympic sport for the first time.

All the world is a stage, which is why so many people have walked out on your performance.

Viewer Mail: Nothing. You have all correctly decided to stay out of my DMs. The future you appreciates this decision.

How do I opt out of this experiment and join the control group, where everything remains the same as before?

Maybe next time, don't buy really nice clothes when you hit an unsustainable size.