@uncivilizeddan
The Bad Boy of the best, longest-running TTRPG Actual-Play podcast no one’s ever heard of, Fandible. I like RPG's. Filthy leftist Social Justice Glitter Boy. Writes silly TTRPG games about cats and goblins and gentle magic. Owned by a cat. He/Him/They/Them
Went out for a comedy show tonight, just to get out of the apartment, get my mind off of things for a bit. Was a good time, but also reminded me that I really need to make some local friends around here.
Thank you, my sweet Esme. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you for being my everything, for so long. My life is better, and will forever be better, because you were in it.
I miss you so much.
But I do want to come back. I will. She's no longer in pain, I took that pain away and will carry it for her from now on, the last gift I could give her. And I'll learn to be happy again, for my own sake as much as for the memory of my soul kitty.
I'll likely still be away a bit longer, to mourn and try and rebuild a life that just had its center torn out. But I know my sweet little girl, my beautiful, fierce, perfect fighter, would want her giant wizard to keep being strong, keep hunting, keep up her war against the birds outside the window.
And now, there is this hole in my heart, in my life, and in my home that will never be filled. I know I'll bring other pets into my life- even knowing full well that when you choose a pet, you're also choosing your next heartbreak.
It's worth the price. It always will be.
Her passing was peaceful, and I am deeply grateful for being able to give her a release from pain and the chance to finally rest, and for her last moments and final memories to be of being held in my arms, in her home, her queendom, knowing she was loved as fiercely as anyone has ever been loved.
This has been one of the hardest few weeks of my life, and during that time, everything I had in me was given to her. Every second of time, every ounce of love, every bit of strength I had to give, I gave to her. And she gave me back so, so much in return.
A little over a month and a half ago, I posted that I wouldn't be here for a while, due to my cat, Esmeralda's, health. She was my soul cat, and I was lucky enough to have longer than anyone expected after her diagnosis, but, as of yesterday, my sweet, beloved, fierce little panther has passed.
Thank you- it means more to me than you know. She is, has been, and will always be my heart.
All this to say- I’m likely not going to be around for a while. I don’t know how long.
This little furball saved my life a decade ago when I adopted her. I wish I could do the same for her now. But if all I can do is love her until it’s her time, then I’ll do it- and keep loving her forever after.
I keep randomly bursting into tears. My own appetite is shot. I have supportive friends and family and a regular therapist who are all there for me, and I know I’ll be ok eventually even though it doesn’t feel like that right now.
Those of you who’ve liked her pictures, or seen her pop up on streams and such- thank you. She is deeply, unreservedly loved and I’m trying to pass on as much of that love as I can to her while I still have her in my life.
I don’t know how much longer I have with her. It could be months, weeks, or days. All I know is I don’t want her to suffer. I’m taking the best care of her that I can until her health declines further. And then… I’ll make the decisions I have to to keep her from pain.
Gods this is so hard
If you know me you know how much Esmeralda means to me- I am completely broken right now and the only reason I’m able to keep moving is so I can make whatever time I have left with her as peaceful, safe, and comfortable as I can for her.
I know I haven’t been very active here for a while. And I avoid posting very personal things here. But yesterday, I received incredibly devastating news for my cat’s health. And I feel the need to share before I go away again.
In 2026 I am planning to run a Planescape campaign for some of my neighbors- ostensibly because community and companionship and stuff.
The truth is that this is all an elaborate plan to force myself to clean my apartment more regularly.
Happy new year, nerds.
A hand holding two fake event tickets labeled “COUCH GEN ADM OLD,” with one ticket boldly printed “STAY HOME DO NOTHING AND GO TO BED EARLY”
Very excited for NYE tonight. Got my tickets, so ready to go.
TV conspiracies: we’ve hacked their computers but they’ve perfectly cleaned up the evidence!
Real conspiracies:
To: conspirator
From: famous person
Attachment: evidence.png
One of the fun things about adhd is having to explain to people how you can be in your late 40’s and still struggle with fuckin’ *object permanence*.
Realizing that I did it: I kept my random Xmas decorations from last year up for so long that it’s almost Christmas again and they’re still up.
This is because I am efficient.
… it’s snowing and I have to go to work. Thanks, Zohran.
To whoever consistently takes the second to last car on the N train in the mornings that wears a perfume that I am, apparently, horribly allergic to, to the point of feeling my throat close up and eyes water:
You do you I guess, keep taking that same car, I’ll be over here on the last one.
Allowing myself to lib the fuck out a little this morning. As a treat.
Fucking bring it. THIS IS WHY WE SAY RUN ACTUAL, HONEST SOCIALISTS. It's not fucking complicated. You can just walk over the billionaire machine if everyone just stops punching left for like five seconds.
Man with a gray beard wearing a black cap and hoodie, showing an "I Voted! In the City of New York" sticker on his chest, smiling slightly indoors.
Sun is shining, birds are singing, I just voted for a socialist, and Cheney’s dead.
Good day so far.
Tonight is the FINALE of our #Warhammer40k #ImperiumMaledictum short series. Come join #TotallyTheATeam as @pbplaysinside.bsky.social @arvandus.bsky.social @uncivilizeddan.bsky.social &I try to survive @popeworldbuild.bsky.social view of the Dark Future on twitch.tv/praxagorathesmophoria @ 8pmET
The Complaint Department will hear you now. Join @pbplaysinside.bsky.social @arvandus.bsky.social @uncivilizeddan.bsky.social & I as we try to survive @popeworldbuild.bsky.social's view of a DEATH PLANET live now twitch.tv/praxagorathesmophoria #Warhammer40k #ImperiumMaledictum #ttrpg
Just finished Bloom & Rage. Cried manly tears. Game is good.
