Melissa Attree

Doctor told me my body has run out of magnesium.

0mg!

What do you call a detective who accidentally solves all his cases? Sheer Luck Holmes.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code

There are Pop-Tarts but no Mom-Tarts because of the pastryarchy.

Super excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Tuesday is open mike night!

A vulture is going through customs and the attendant asked if he has any baggage to check in.

The vulture says, “No, just my carrion.”

Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.

I bought a Rolls-Royce but didn’t pay for a driver. All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.

For those of you who don’t know, a Freudian slip is when you say one thing and you mean your mother.

Apparently it's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you are not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

What kind of sandals do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.

Okay okay…. Screw it. I know it’s early but, same as last year, same as every year! 😇🥳

I like elephants.

Everything else is irrelephant.

What kind of party do snails have?
A shellebration

I tried splicing the DNA of a cheetah with that of a crab, but things went sideways fast.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backward? A receding hare-line.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory, but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.

A well executed theft without any fingerprints is a stainless steal.

A man walks into a library and asks where the books on paranoia are. The librarian replies, “Look over your shoulder.”

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but it’s OK because I can stop at any time.

I once wrote a song about a tortilla, but it's more of a wrap.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the nobell prize.

Why did the crab cross the road?
It didn’t, it used the sidewalk.

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycombs

What kind of music do balloons like?

Pop

I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3, and 5.
Turns out he only does odd jobs.

What does a nosy pepper do?
It gets jalapeño business

Why did the banana visit the doctor?
She wasn’t peeling well.

Why was the little strawberry crying. Because he was in a jam.