Rosa

Man, I'd love to be the air some day.

Pretty fucked that cats are the only animals that get tree-furniature. Like, I went to college, I deserve a La-Z-Boy precariously balanced on a tall stick!

When the rapture happens, all of God's angels will hover above us, speed-scrolling through our IG accounts. When they see that I did not participate in the 2016-2026 trend, I'll avoid making eye contact with you as they beam me up to heaven.

There's a permanent 5% of me that believes the world is the way it is right now because I was too obsessed with Molly McIntire and Zlata's Diary growing up.

Memory loss, but only as to where I’ve ever put a pair of tweezers after a single use.

I am way too good looking to be this well-informed.

Your own
Microwaveable
Jesus

Ugh. It's that awkward lull between New Years and Christmas again.

Allow me to harness the power possessed by non-sentient entities to demand the world pay me more while changing nothing.

There’s a firework that sounds like a whiny hot fart that god really should have taken care of over a toilet.

Is this the place where it's safe to admit that I don't think I'm cool enough to watch Safdie films? What do I know of gem heisting pingpongers? I drive a Toyota!

I feel like there should be a housing voucher program for people who have dozens of friends who show gorgeous homes for sale across the country but are considering acquiring generational debt to rent a 1 bedroom apartment.

I can’t believe Pete Davidson became a dad before I did.

I have to go back to college so I can write a thesis on the effects of overindulging in Jason Robert Brown musicals as a young woman.

I don’t think it didn’t effect me.

Wtf?

I don't really believe in past lives, but Columbo's face does look like I've sat on it before.

I'm psychic in so much as I only ever crave a given restaurant on the day it's closed. I just want a sandwich from Larchmont Village served to me by a 6'4" Italian man currently upset with no less than 3 sons.

Roses are red,
Joe Dirt has a mullet...

I have to call a parent teacher conference for these grapes I'm eating that claimed to be seedless.

These koi would be so fucking embarrassed to find out they were swimming like a tattoo. Please don’t mention it the next time you see them.

We cannot let Wicked normalize year-long intermissions.

Looking for local help: I sprayed all the cleaning stuff in my shower and now I'd like to shower, but I'd really not like to scrub off the cleaner and muck first.

On a bus packed with Millennials on the way to the Rilo Kiley concert and I can’t stop thinking about how many anecdotes about dial-up internet would be lost to the world if we crashed.

My therapist is very good at their job, which is frankly exhausting.

Are you a page break in a screen play? Because you're acting like a CONT.

Can we real quick switch to Cockney rhyming slang when it comes to words that are censored online? I’d much rather hear that someone’s “thrilled an elf” than that they’ve “unalived” themselves after a “crass pooting”.

Really sitting with the fact that the first TV character I saw myself reflected in as a child was Baby Sinclair from Dinosaurs.

I'm not upset, just astounded by how true it still rings.

I'm an adult, so I call them Labreastbreasts.

Good luck teaching a robot how to piss in a Dasani bottle.

Grandmama, tell me again how you returned to live in Europe during the '20s funded entirely by reselling Labubus?