Just tell me jokes and draw me cartoons

Like… he did it too

Ok yes, that all chick space thingy is embarrassing af… but where was all this vitriol when Shatner and the boys did it?

Why does the sound of your own voice never stop being traumatizing?

Traffic annoys me.
War makes me angry.
But waiting for my husband to lace up his boots absolute sends me into a fit of rage.

Isn’t he like 13?

Things I have not enjoyed on my family camping trip so far:
- family
- camping

So patronizing when the dentist patiently explains how to floss. I'm not a baby who doesn't know how to do basic things. I'm a baby who doesn't wanna

I can’t believe I just lost all this weight only to find out I’m still ugly.

Two Things I Learned Today:

1. I can barbell squat my body weight
2. What an anal prolapse is

Ah yes, of course

Just out walking with my dad with a bum hip and my mom with a messed up ankle. It’s been one block. It’s been half an hour.

You can steal my sunshine as long as you promise to set me on fire with it.

That time is now… my kids were so appalled

Someday we’re gonna tell people about waterbeds and they’re gonna be like that’s so dumb there’s no way that’s true

At any given moment you can assume I’m peeing just a little bit.

sometimes I wish you guys could love me for who I am and not the completely fabricated version I’ve purposely created on bluesky

How come when a woman says she's had many sexual partners she’s “promiscuous” but when I say it I’m a “liar”

me: I can’t believe I’m finally home. It doesn’t feel real.

wife: *drops stack of mail in my lap* can you go through this?

me: ok, now it feels real

"Long story short," my mom said 40 minutes ago

If I poop myself in this Walmart do you think anyone will notice?

Mel?

Damn girl are you a Rubik’s cube? Because fuck you u stupid piece of shit

I can usually tell I'm right by the sound of my husband furiously googling something followed by complete silence

You’re never too old to chase your dreams.

There will come a time when you can no longer catch them, though.

A single image from a film that immediately makes you hear a song from the soundtrack playing in your head

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born, and it sure as shit better not be me

Remember when the only intense online drama revolved around someone’s Facebook relationship status?

Me: go in that bag & find my wallet
Robber: which one is it
Me: the one that says Bad Motherfucker on it
Robber: can't find that one
Me: oh that's weird [nervous laughter] maybe just give me the Totoro one

Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps.