Hand Warmer

These people make me laugh daily and all deserve a follow
go.bsky.app/8pZS7se

MOVIE EXEC: no idea is a bad idea

ME: a farm romance about two feuding sheep who unexpectedly fall in love

MOVIE EXEC: get out

ME: bleated rivalry

We've had bad people that made good presidents.
We've had good people that made bad presidents.

Now we have the worst person that's made the worst president.

production of The Muppet Show should not be dependent on petty vulgarities like “ratings” or “revenue.” it should be preserved as a vital function of american culture. it should have a taxpayer-funded budget rivaling the CIA

it's been a while so here's a pack of some of my favorite people

go.bsky.app/3cVJfpD

ok. does anyone know if it's twice per athlon or every two athlons

a hot wheels car that looks like sashimi

get in losers. no time to explain

Before we get started, I just want to say thank you to all of my subscribers. This has been a dream as long as I can remember and I couldn’t have done it without you. It feels surreal to finally say it, but this is the final episode of Nutting In Every Country In The World. Welcome to Vatican City

good point

Give him a Nobel Peace Prize but make it beep every time an underage girl is nearby.

Big personal news! I just sold an F-35 fighter jet to Saudi Arabia

BREAKING: Bill to release the Moleman Files passes the House 427 - 1. Subterraneous Q. Burrow (R - The Underkingdom) was the only no vote

when I was a kid my dad could have kicked my ass because he was an adult. now I could kick my dad’s ass because he’s old. but there was one day between then and now when we were exactly evenly matched. the father/son convergence

ask your doctor if lying down in the forest to be consumed by the earth is right for you

hot dogs could be a thanksgiving side

In Super Mario Odyssey, kicking things is Mario's highest priority, overriding all other actions. If a kickable object, such as a football, is thrown at Mario while he is asleep, he will momentarily wake up just to kick it before instantly going back to sleep.

[seeing that my wife has started buying cauliflower again] looks like it's time for another diss track

A cat wedging himself behind a window to avoid needle time.

I said no needles. I meant no needles.

Wild that detectives and trained dogs can find human remains in the wilderness based on scant clues but my husband and kids can't find the ketchup in the fridge in the same spot it always is

I’m not running late. I’m arriving in dramatic fashion.

the only “grey lady” I respect is the spirit who sobs in the corner of my bedroom from 2-3am each night

(watching any Jurassic Park movie) when does the whistle blow so they can slide down the brontosaurus neck

To my moots who watch “The Bear,” I’d sit under the table with all of you

You're out there somewhere, Beer Barron, and I'll find you.

I put “flexible” on my resume because I cry in different locations.

UNACCEPTABLE! #AdventureTime

Normally, NPCs in Mario games are bothered very little by Mario attacking them, to make the interaction seem harmless. However, in Bowser's Fury, the way the mother cats' animations work result in them crying specifically as a result of being attacked, making Mario appear cruel.

whoa, ouroboros, you must be hungry

conversely butter can’t believe it’s you

If overthinking burned calories, I’d be translucent.