James Lennon

That was a close one Sir M.

One of my favourites. Even though I still think I should have got the job

WARNING! Saw some local youths in the park operating as blackmarket bookmakers to scam gullible passers-by so I decided to teach them a lesson. They're offering 5,000-1 on Brazil to win the 2174 World Cup. That's way overpriced so I placed €100 on it. They're going to feel like fools in 148 years!

Easy-to-Remember Conversion Chart Gallons to Litres 1 Gallon = 1 Litre Pounds to Kilos 1 Pound = 1 Kilo Fahrenheit to Celcius 1°F = 1°C Inches to Centimetres 1 Inch = 1 Centimetre Feet to Metres 1 Foot = 1 Metre Miles to Kilometres 1 Mile = 1 Kilometre

Here's a universal conversion chart that's very easy to remember. Hopefully it proves useful

This conversion works for other measurements too:

Mile : Milene
Kilometre : Kilometrene
Litre : Litrene

You get the idea : Youne Getne Thene Ideane.

BRA...! Tee hee.

This is a useful chart and I shall consult it regularly. I've just discovered you can draw diagonal lines on this if you need to convert gallons to kilometres for example.

E.G. 1 gallon is the equivalent of 1 kilometre, this clears a lot up for me and helps me to understand my measuring tape.

Yeah makes sense Cathal. We'll go with that.

Sorry to hear you broke your silencer. You could probably 3D print a new one with a file from the dark web.

Don't tell anyone I told you though, I'm not sure but I don't think guns are allowed. And I don't know what the dark web or silencers are. (I think I may have gotten away with that).

Time to finally break my silence on this matter. I think computer keyboards should have buttons for numbers as well as letters. I know it would require bigger keyboards but- wait, hang on. Ok, sorry, just checked and turns out they already have this feature. My mistake. Please disregard this post.

Sir Michael Statement Regarding Winter Olympics Speed Skating Final 18/2/26 To whom it may concern, It is with a heavy heart that I publish this statement. This evening sees the final of the men's Short Track Speed Skating at the Winter Olympics and it is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I will not be competing in it. Please be assured that I have not taken this decision lightly but, for the following reasons, I believe it to be the right one: - I do not own a pair of skates and feel this would put me at an unfair disadvantage. - I don't know which direction I'm supposed to skate around the circuit and I would feel very embarrassed if I went the wrong way. - I've got a check-up with my dentist at 9:15 tomorrow and I don't want to risk not being back in time because it's a very busy practice and it takes ages to get a new appointment. I have suggested that they should hire an additional dental hygienist but so far they have not listened. - The other skaters might be angry at me for not competing in any of the qualifying rounds. - I've just checked what outfit speed skaters wear (skin-tight onesies) and I don't think I have one of those and I would feel awkward asking one of my competitors if they have a spare suit that I could borrow. - I don't know if it's a communal changing room but I have unusually small nipples that I'm a bit self-conscious about and I don't want the other skaters to make fun of them. I know some people will be disappointed by this news but I ask that you accept my decision and not try to change my mind. Furthermore I ask that you all accept the result of the race and do not discredit the gold medallist's achievement just because he didn't beat me. That is not his fault and he deserves respect regardless. Thank you and good luck to all the competitors in tonight's race.

Statement regarding tonight's final 💔

[PRIVATE MESSAGE to any Hollywood bigwigs reading this and looking for movie ideas]

“Inventor of the QR Code”
- Opening scene shows a person inventing the QR code
- Rest of the film is a flashback to how the person invented the QR code

The rest writes itself. Let's get this into production ASAP.

This is a great idea for a movie about codes. Bar, none.

(In case you wonder this is actually a very clever tweet or blue or whatever these yokes are).

Ladder Ham was right there.

Thanks, I do nurture that vibe. I feel it's important y'know.

There's a McDonald's Island? Do all the takeaways have an island?

This is great, I live in one of those countries and this kind of info is invaluable.

The only people I'm ruling out of potentially having been Epstein clients are the people who I know for a fact write emails with good spacing and punctuation.

I sent Epstein an email way back saying I didn't want to go to his stupid island or go on his stupid airplane anyway cos they're stupid. And he's stupid.

This was way before anyone knew he was one of the most heinous and reprehensible people in the world.

I hate show offs. (And also pedos).

PRESS RELEASE Sir Michael Responds to Criticism of Recent Lee Harvey Oswald Biography I wish to address the controversy surrounding my recent biography of Lee Harvey Oswald. I believe the book to be a tour de force, with some fascinating insights into his life. Unfortunately critics and readers strongly disagree, with many calling it “the worst book ever written” and “the work of an idiot.” Amongst the cruel jibes, one criticism in particular has been repeatedly raised: “Why on earth does he make absolutely no mention of the JFK assassination in a biography of Lee Harvey Oswald?” My response is simple. I made the decision not to mention the JFK assassination for the same reason I chose not to mention the Titanic in my biography of Captain Edward Smith: I just don't see how these events are relevant. Lots of things happen in the course of a person's life and it would be impossible for me to include absolutely everything. I chose to focus on other things instead, such as Oswald's penchant for cinema and Smith's impressive facial hair, and I stand by those choices. I hope this draws a line under the controversy once and for all as I will not be commenting further on this matter. It is time to look forward, not backwards. Speaking of which, I am excited to announce the release of my next biography, which is a detailed look at the life of Napoleon Bonaparte. It will be released in the autumn and I am pleased to report that it contains no mentions of Waterloo, the retreat from Moscow or either of his two exiles. I did not consider any of these events important enough to supplant the sixteen chapters I've written about his taste in headwear.

Public statement regarding recent events

Ah. Sorry I don't remember that though ha ha.

Re shepherds, they would presumably only be triggered in the morning, at night they'd be delighted I'm sure.

Don't mind him Sir M, he's just harking back to the days when Utd used to win the league.

Pew pew. Shots fired for the first time on BlueSky (which incidentally isn't called Red Sky you both might have noticed).

Yes, as is traditional.

Whew. That was close.

Never forget that manners cost nothing. If you see a business advertising a job and you don't want it, do the right thing and let them know. Businesses always appreciate knowing who's not available to appoint.

Ha ha.

I'm now questioning my entire understanding of the story. Maybe the true Rolfs were the Rolfs we met along the way.

Okay Rolf. Or I mean Andrew.

How to Tell if Your Brother is on a Horse 1. Look through your brother's bank statements and see if he has recently hired or purchased a horse. If he has, the chances of him now being on a horse just increased considerably. 2. Check where your brother's feet currently are in relation to the ground. If they're a few feet off the ground and separated by the width of a horse, there is a chance he might be on a horse. 3. Sneak into your brother's bedroom and read his diary. If last night's entry mentions that he's got a horseriding appointment today, there is a strong possibility that your brother is now on a horse. 4. Ask your brother if he'd mind you sitting directly behind him. If he says "no, there's enough room for both of us on this horse," that could be a sign that he is currently on a horse.

Want to know if your brother is on a horse or not? These are the signs to look for.

What if I'm in the war in about 1917, I've been injured and no longer have my own horse due to circumstances beyond my control, does that mean the fella who won't leave me dyin' is in fact, contrary to other clues, my biological male sibling? This in interesting. Subsequently dodgy singers excepted.