My mom is trying to help according to what helps her. We are not the same. I've never been big on people & socialising. I prefer to just be at home. She's forcing me out the house because she thinks it'll help. It won't. I'm drained. I need to be able to just be & that can't happen outside.
And now I've lost my Sunday morning because she scheduled a healing bath for me at 11:30. The one day this week I would've been free from people is gone. No breaks. Going into next week with no breaks. Last weekend was the same because house-sitting so no breaks. Why is being alive so hard?
My mom is not helping. I walked into the house after crying in the car 2 nights ago so I obviously told her how badly I've been doing. I wish I hadn't. Wish I could've faked being happy long enough to get to my room. She's making me go to a doctor as if that'll help. It won't.
I've been crying the past 2 days. I have a birthday party to attend today. When I initially RSVP'd, it was scheduled for last week Saturday & it was weeks in advance. I was happy with the date. This month has already taken a toll on me & I'm not fit to socialise & smile & be nice today.
There's no help. So I just live like this forever. Well the next 15 years maybe. Maybe 10. I'll see.
I'm just really frustrated & I know things are bad because I'm being set off by everything right now & I can't even care that my friend called me at work to beg me to be around for 1 of her major life milestones. I'm not going to do anything. The bad thoughts are just getting unbearable.
I need them to stop trying to be helpful & just accept that I'm not fit for this society & this life. I just can't keep going like this. It's never going to be okay.
My physical health has been deteriorating yearly because my mental & emotional health is bad. And it keeps getting worse & it shows with how badly my body is doing. There's been no improvement to my health I'm a decade. Why would things suddenly get better? I can't just quit my job. So how?
My siblings keep saying things will get better. They have no way of knowing that. They're just saying stuff & it's meaningless & there's no evidence to suggest things will improve if they've only gotten worse. There's no reason to believe things will suddenly be okay. Ugh.
One death is too many, but this feels like a lot in such a short time.
Releasing that I just can't handle any disruptions to my routine right now. It's messing me up more than I thought. I also have a birthday party to attend on Saturday. I don't know how I'm going to handle that after a whole week of being "on".
Last minute house sitting thing for a friend. Didn't think it would derail me this badly but here we are. Today is the last night. I get to go home tomorrow morning. After feeding the dogs obviously.
I've been thrown off except it's my fault this time. I'm about to cry. At work... Need to escape. I need out.
Years of traditional therapy & a few psychiatrists later... Still struggling. Fun times!
Things aren't going to get easier, not in this economic & political landscape. Obviously not at work. Obviously not in life so like... Duh the bad thoughts are going to just stay longer each year. I wasn't coping at 17. Why would I suddenly be okay at 31?
It's just... How do you explain to people that the older you get, the more demanding life gets, the more stressful everything is & if you had 0 skills & accommodations to deal with life a decade ago, it's only going to get harder? That's all it comes down to. That and the world being hell.
Why did I open my Instagram to that notification of "someone thinks you might need some extra support right now"?... I mean, fair because of that one reel I shared to my story but also... I'm on my period so things are just amplified. The bad thoughts are common. They're sticking around.
It could be both but the way my brain is just fried, my memory getting consistently worse etc. Probably burnout so no amount of "rest so you don't burnout" ever helps me... I'm already there. Been there. Never leaving. That's why no amount of rest is ever enough.
Realising that I've probably just been in burnout for the last 10 years, probably longer. Just going off of when my fatigue started. Then the other symptoms followed about a year later. Then it's been something new every 18 months or so since. Not to say my mom can't be right about the RA either.
😂😂😂 brains are weird okay.
When I complained to my sister, she thought I meant that the people in question weren't ageing well so she didn't correct my misunderstanding. Meanwhile, I literally meant "I can see the wrinkles... Why are people lying?"... Whole time they didn't mean it literally so I just misunderstood..
It's one thing to know you take things literally but it's another to see it in action.
I also only figured out on Saturday that when people say "they/you don't age" referring to somebody, they actually just mean the person is ageing well. I swear I've been perplexed for months. Even complained to my sister because I thought people just couldn't see the signs of age 😂😂😂
Last week was a lot. I'm on the verge of telling my friend to cancel our planned trip to Mozambique in May. I can't. I just can't. My capacity to do anything is waning. It's getting worse.
This is my life.
In other news, my dreams are very disturbing. I'm also disturbed by the fact that they have the power to wake me up with my heart beating out of my chest. Yes, they give me that much anxiety.
It's terrible. Not getting better so who knows at this point? I'll see how it goes for the rest of the month.
I didn't realise this thing logged me out because why did I have to login again this morning?
Annoying but at least I still remember my password. Yay me.
