My love language is Quality Time and my husband’s is Words of Affirmation so I guess we just have to spend the day together with me saying “you’re the best, I love you, you’re the best, I love you” all day. 🙄
The way one kink in the water hose can switch me from whistling like a songbird to cursing like a pub wench.
Just saw a video of Jennifer Aniston’s workout routine and with a chocolate Easter egg in my mouth so large I couldn’t close it I said “at uh-ent ook at ard.”
K, but I really need to see the Ratliff/Schitt’s Creek spinoff. Ew, Saxon.
#whitelotus
I need to change my wake up alarm tone to the sound of my dog about to barf on the bed. I went from coma to airborne with no memory inbetween.
Having a little boy means finding Nerf bullets in random places for the rest of your life.
On the Guadalupe river in Texas and this kid pointed at a bush and asked his dad “do you think this is where the angel of the Lord appeared to Moses?” Look I don’t remember what they taught in Vacation Bible School but it wouldn’t hurt to throw some geography in there.
Because it’s with ourselves??
I realized today I’m “hate gardening”. I need a distraction from the headlines. I’m getting a sunburn angrily stabbing the soil with a shovel and over-watering while grumbling and throwing pruning shears. I’m going to have the most beautiful garden this summer built completely out of rage.
I’ve still never seen Wicked. In any form. I don’t really know what it’s about.
Drinking beer and peeing in your own private hot tub is lowkey paradise. Maybe high key.
Tonight my kid learned that I’m the type of mom who will eat an icecream sandwich in the kitchen behind his back without offering him one. 
It’s all part of my rock ‘n’ roll fantasy.
It’s time to send Lambda Lambda Lambda to the White House.
OK. I can get up and do my chores now.
My husband accused me of having “knee-jerk reactions” so I had to explain to the jerk that I’m not upset because I’m “paranoid” or reading conspiracy theories or having illogical fears. I’m upset because I’m reading
-THE-
-DAILY-
-FUCKING-
-NEWS-
I’m a child.
I left Twitter when scrolling it felt like walking through an abandoned mall that rats and lunatics invaded
Out of all the mysteries of Severance the biggest is Devon’s attraction to Ricken.
#Severance
I want to fast forward to the moment where these bimbos who have been carrying water for this realize they were just filling the pool for their own heads to be held down under.
Found out I weigh less than someone’s cane corso dog. That feels good. Thanks, GLP1!
I love this time of year because people will post something super dramatic and vague like “Nooooooo” and I can’t tell if it’s about football or *gestures outside window* all of this.
Called my husband to see what he thought about the idea of going back to the Virgin Islands where we got married for our 15th wedding anniversary this year and renewing our vows on the beach and he said OR we could just do it right now over the phone. ”I’m still very fond of you, D-train” he said.
Til next time, Texas snow 💙
H-E-B baby girl I love you. I’ve been in a monogamous relationship with you for a decade. You’re the best. You don’t need to send me text and emails after every delivery asking if I’m still pleased with you. There’s no need to be needy. You’re my forever girl. xoxo
I had big goals, aspirations and dreams for the second half of my day but then my dog artistically diarrhea’d a map of the Philippines across my living room rug and it all went to shit.
New year. Same me.
Just when you thought there wasn’t enough white boy rappers in the world, here comes my suburban 10-year-old.
THE OUTLAW COMICS return to McGonigel's Mucky Duck February 27. Get tickets here:
www.mcgonigels.com/shows/the-ou...
I hope ham and cheese sandwiches stuffed with Doritos is a good luck food because that’s what’s happening today. 
