🔫 climp

A good office joke is to suggest that it’s Friday on a day other than Friday. Another good office joke is to live in the ceiling.

Sometimes i look my wife in the eyes and say “hey, good hustle”

angry frenchman: no more monsieur homme-gentil

[a single car honks its horn] Man it’s crazy out there right now

There aren't even that many people in the world

Gonna need a target here or something

I am ready to strike. Any time any place. My car is double parked. I’m gonna have to move it soon

wasted all that time

you kicked my gun away? what the hell man that's what I was crawling towards.

Coughing in a manner most French

le danse corncobre

I've destroyed every trace of who took your vitamins, but i am going to need some assurances

here (hands you a taser with no batteries.) I'll be back maybe wednesday

look you work at this sprint phone kiosk long enough you are gonna get a few bomb threats

taking my hog to the hogwash

[comforting you as you puke into a storm drain] this is exactly why i started my newsletter

Substitute teachers in the 2040s trying to pronounce different spellings of “Avatar 2”

Explaining to another angry diner that the pasta is clearly labeled “cubotelli” because it’s a cube and you only get the one because it’s obviously very large

Hey man. I just want you to know. Regardless of the outcome. You know, whatever happens. I will contact your wife.

Syncing stains across all my shirts

you keep saying "fiasco" but like in a negative way?

Only tipping 10% on my power bill this month. Do better.

Hi, I’m here to buy a new car. But not any of the ones i just hit.

You did it

Ugh

let's see what happens to the quality

I am and i have a few

[Showing my wife the flightradar24 track of our plane currently plummeting into the sea] And it has a bunch of other features too, but you gotta pay

Oh you like my shoes? Thanks, they’re rentals

how come they don't have the sun on other planets?