@auroragirl
transfigured woman, labile, artist in mathematics and vice versa, low-grade dancer, survivor of Bad Things, barbie nine jobs, the silliest of geese, basic lesbian, just as fucked up as they say
(the aggravating thing is that it's not that big a deal really, and from a pragmatic point of view i should have moved on a month ago and left this to circle back to ...... but my brain is refusing to work like that)
NOooooo i tested what i had done against more accurate numerical solves and it doesn't hold up as well as i had thought last night
dammit dammit dammit i feel i'm _so_ close to nailing this tiny problem and can't give it up
my plan was to go to bed at a reasonable time, particularly after staying up so late doing math Wednesday night
but i was making *progress* still at 9pm, and then maybe a big step at 11pm before heading to bed
and then at 11:30 lying in bed i couldn’t resist and went and got my notebook
i am now at the point where i know a functional form for the general solution of my nonlinear problem (as an excellent approximation), from
numerical experimentation, but i haven’t figured out how to derive the two parameters sensibly
arghhhhhhh
i think around grade 11 (?) i managed to dub myself four times over with a cheapo stereo that had a dual cassette deck... the background hum/noise was considerable by that point
i am just shocked at the idea that anyone would give their newborn a tattoo, cherries or otherwise
i've got 99 problems, but i also have 99 beers on my wall, so
ooooh!! polydeuces, the 34th moon of saturn, has an escape velocity under 1m/s (a slow walk)
it is probably hard to not go flying into space with any kind of movement
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polydeu...
escape velocity from phobos is only about 40km/h, that’s maybe survivable if wearing a stiff spacesuit and punched in the chest…
i need to make a playlist “songs about trans women yearning for bottom surgery”
for this we recommend a hition instead
Lunar escape velocity is 2.38km per second, which requires a punch that would almost surely not just kill the person but probably just make a hole through them
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Escape_...
me: *tying a cherry stem with my tongue*
my date, a maraschino cherry: *backs away in horror*
it’s just marvellous 🥰
no that’s just the bird walking in front of his, um, corpse
the paaast insiiide the presentttt
that’s not true. but sir john franklin decided to search out the northwest passage in lieu of an interview with chotiner
i dunno. i think i mostly pass now, at least when present visually (phone calls are more troublesome), but when it’s safe and seems in any way relevant i am proud to share i am trans
i mean, i get how theoretically someone who is passing could end up hiding their transness out of fear, but if indeed they are a binary trans person they would still be living authentically — not in the closet, even if they might have anxiety issues
i am now allegedly 1-3 months away from getting the call setting up my first (video) appointment with whoever my surgeon is going to be
😬😬😬😬😬
i need to make a playlist “songs about trans women yearning for bottom surgery”
whenever i go a few weeks without serious dance (especially dancing with other people) for Reasons, my
mental health suffers and yet i also convince myself i don’t need it and maybe it wasn’t meant for me anyways
and then i go to the studio, my whole being is uplifted, and i remember i need it
hmm… i honestly don’t think they were perceptive enough to have picked up on anything like that, at least consciously, but i also had no idea and frequently tried hard to hide my own feminine facets out of fear
i think for most but not all of them they wouldn’t make the comments in mixed company
really feeling “glory box” by portishead
(it’s so overtly about a trans woman impatiently waiting on yearned-for bottom surgery)
occasionally in my past, when attempting to be male, i have been around boys/men objectifying women like this, and it boggled me — i thought we had all been taught from early in school this is wrong? why are they doing this?? — but i confess i was too caught up in my own fears and shame to push back
i wonder if there’s a bigger empathy gap there because the simplest exercise “how would you feel if women were making sexual jokes about you, objectifying you?” fails given how drastically unequal power is — my guess is most men at least think they would enjoy that, don’t feel fear/ indignity/ick
almost everybody loves it when someone else is willing to lead and organize… and i’ve had some degree of success leading group activities in the past (mostly in-the-home musical gatherings, choral or chamber music)
but it’s also exactly the kind of thing my mental illness makes extra hard for me 😢
…maybe i do need some kind of contact-heavy practice within a broader context.
maybe i need to learn tango.
maybe i need to keep pushing myself toward the dream of hosting my own dance jams, finding a few artistic collaborators to explore with, even as i feel that’s Too Scary
i’m honestly a bit leery of “contact improv” as i have seen and experienced it, as being too constrained and awkward, so much about navigating contact and moving between touching configurations that leaves no space for a lot of the artistic expression i yearn for in dance
and yet…
dance today involved contact with partners, switching regularly, and it was fascinating to see how different each person’s conception of what kind and degree of physical touch is right
i tried mostly to match whoever i was dancing with, but really enjoyed the few who were happy to do _more_