Incognicki

I need a weighted blanket, that won’t let me get out of bed in the morning.

Sometimes you think the day is going to be a complete bust, but then you see a friendly dog.

Turkey tastes even more jive the second day.

A cat sits staring at the camera, elbow on a counter, next to a glass of wine and some flowers.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

I don’t need gravy.
My food isn’t dry.

You are what you secretly eat in your car.

Exactly

Today’s To-Do’s:

*circle important item on calendar
*realize the circle looks like a potato
*lose half the day thinking about potato circles
* t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶n̶e̶w̶ ̶b̶a̶n̶d̶ ̶n̶a̶m̶e̶

me: hi I’m here for the missionary position?

pastor: we don’t call it that

Naturally

That time you saw only one set of footprints in the sand was when Jesus unfollowed you

WITH POSTS LIKE THESE, WHO NEEDS POSTS.

“I’m just a regular guy.”

TRANSLATION: I’m secretly profoundly psychotic and potentially dangerous, just like everyone else.

If you put a lasagna on top of another lasagna, it’s no longer two lasagnas. It’s one giant lasagna. THAT is the power of lasagna.

https://knuckle.tattoo/#COOLWHIP

i told the trees what you did. be wary when you next enter the forest

Every traffic light in the world is red when you need a bathroom and green when you need to write something down

you need to wash your apple cuz its covered in wax & pesticides but tap water is full of toxic chemicals & the pitcher holding water is made of plastic & leeching contaminants into the water & the paper towel is made of bleach & the cloth is washed with toxic laundry detergent so enjoy your apple

too much rain making too much noise
as I prowl around the house wrapped in a blanket like some kind of feudal lord

Sometimes I feel bad for myself, and then I remember that I have lived with ALS for more than 7 years. And I am grateful to still be here.

Good night moon.

Bit chilly.

Now I’m hungry

I’m worried that in 50 years Hitler will no longer be the “go to guy” for time machine murder jokes

I never watch all the way through or sound up if you’re looking for a bad girl.

Morrissey Morrissey Morrissey

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline, things just really started falling into place for me.

You don’t bring me flowers, you don’t make me mix tapes anymore.