Harmonica Lewinsky

My hobbies include marking all work emails I don't like as phishing attempts

I feel like you shouldn't be allowed to EGOT until you appear in SVU, Grey's Anatomy, and The Simpsons

I'm about to become a fucking weeb if Korea doesn't let up on these dope ass horror movies

Working out in the 50s must have been so ass. Imagine you gotta do jump squats to Johnny Rockets jukebox music.

Watching body cam
Officer: okay can you step up out the car for me?
My client: [hits watermelon flavored vape]

Guys, JD Vance did NOT kill the Pope and it’s stupid and immature to imply he did. The Pope killed himself after meeting JD Vance.

[watches Sinners]
[Googles HOW TO GET SWOLE]

So either JD Vance murdered the Pope, or the Vatican did a Weekend at Bernie's and JD Vance just didn't notice.

An adult middle aged white man just told me his email, and it includes the phrases "juicy j" and "yahoo.com"

Does anyone know what my problem is

I wish I had access to a women's only gym, not because a man has made me feel unsafe, but because men have the WORST gym manners

Me and the waitress making eye contact "Mis padres habrían sacado la chancla si tan solo pensara en comportarme de esta manera."

She's just a self care queen allowing the universe to take charge

Absolutely obsessed with this WW at La Fonda who is allowing her 3 children to play in the street. Yaaaas, natural selection, come thruuuuu

A margarita would go so hard rn

Seeing ugly people hold hands gives me hope for the future

Getting dumped is never great but getting dumped for someone uglier is annihilation levels of psychic damage

Man, can you imagine putting lube in a bag

Nothing feels sexier than realizing that you don't care that the number on the scale is actually your pre-poop weight

[my innie on the vent slack]: I do nothing but do a good job and earn my outie money, and how does she repay me? With a hangover and a post-Taco Bell explosion

Dick head implies the existence of dick shoulders, knees and toes

Poopy Butt is available for adoption

Severance is just Plato's Allegory of the Cave for people who didn't read books in high school

I require video evidence

Costco and Trader Joes are yin and yang. Together they form a harmonious balance. One sells big piles of normal food, the other sells small piles of weird food. These are the two food piles people need

Are you challenging me?

I forgot that I had the Legally Blonde soundtrack on CD. No wonder my mom knew I was going to be a lawyer. I always thought it was because I was an asshole.

I’m too lazy to be horny.

Yes more of this content please

But now you can fulfill your lifelong dream to get blackout drunk and commit property crime