A magician was walking down the street. Then he turned into a grocery store.

My wife said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”

I replied, “No it doesn’t.”

Three guys walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

I got a universal remote and thought, "This changes everything!"

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps.

I am slowly getting over it.

If a child doesn't want to take a nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name.

I tell dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs.

The difference between an alligator and a crocodile is whether you see it later or after a while.

I took up origami for a while, but I gave it up because it was too much paperwork.

To be Frank... I'd have to change my name.

Why do scuba drivers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.

Me, at the restaurant: I'll have bacon and eggs, please.

Waiter: How do you like your eggs?

Me: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!

Jokes about AI are too easy.

They write themselves.

I just ran into Cathy at the store.

I didn't watch where I was going.

I gave away all my dead batteries, free of charge.

I don't drink anymore

...or any less.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?

Because if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y.

I don't trust stairs.

They're always up to something.

Right? And I don't need to get anywhere near 88 mph!

*puts car in reverse*

Ah, this takes me back.