Granite Man

a hotdog in every hand

A likely excuse.

Some of you have never been to Boogie Wonderland, and it shows.

[first few days after a full moon] ok did i really survive that one?? is this hell??

Every friend group needs one person whose dating life reassures everyone else that being single was the right call, or that maybe their marriage is actually doing just fine. I’m that person.

[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope

Can my weird hang out with your weird?

just heard a guy on youtube say "in the grand scream of things"

If you're happy and you know it, ew

Bout to get wild and not set an alarm for tomorrow!

Writing a folk song about her gastrointestinal issues isn't the panty dropper you'd think it'd be.

Who doesn't enjoy long romantic strolls to the liquor store?

I find people so annoying when...actually that's the end of that sentence. I find people so annoying.

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

my past addictions lead me to believe that if i mash up these coffee beans into powder and snort them, they will work better 🥼🧪👩‍🔬

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

😂

Americans will do anything to avoid using the metric system.

Hey i'm gonna go walk into Mordor, anyone need anything

If it weren’t for the low hanging fruit, I’d never eat.

Don't ask me, I just shit post here.

facts about me

i shaved my wookie for this?

~ me at my first Star Wars convention

I'm always confused by people who block me for limiting replies.
It's like, "So you, too, actually DO believe in users' rights to set boundaries for who interacts with them?"

It's not my job to judge people, it's more like a hobby.

I'm boomboxing Careless Whisper outside your window, please respond

there have been and always will be horrors that persist but these current ones are by far the worst bc they’re happening to me

found a time machine but it requires size A batteries

You’re in her dms, I’m crashing my car into a fruit stand during a high speed chase

Woke up this morning thinking it was Friday then I realised it's not even fucking Thursday.