Me, Another Me, and the Odd Dog

Webstaurant Store: Do you want 25 pounds of Guittard Chocolate Chips?
Me: *sweating: There's no right answer here.

One of my favorite Youtubers said of 2026 that "I already have bingo this year, and I didn't even need to use the free square."

Me too, Alec, me too.

We've hit the tipping point. I don't know what people are waiting for but it's go time in so many ways.

Context: doing chores tonight, angrily, after attending a protest, and then realizing I could have gone to a second one.

"When history asks what I did during the protests that may save my country, my answer needs to not be 'the dishes.'"

Politically, I'm Amy Winehouse: I'll go back to black.

Seriously, we went black, then we went back, and ....why? We all know how the saying goes, and we defied intergalactic law anyway?

Legzilla: *sobbing at the back door*
Me: Oh no! You never want to come back in, what is.... *notes that dog is soaking wet*
Legzilla: You brought me back to the rain, and I hate it. When is it over?
Me: Uh, this is coastal Oregon, I don't think it does 'over.'

Oh hey, it's that time of year where I need to remind people that antique chamber pots and pissors look almost exactly like soup tureens and gravy boats.

Those of you with unlikable family members, I expect you to use this knowledge wisely.

The other day I was stuck in three-lane-merge situation in heavy traffic. Some Dood in a fancy SUV tried to cut me off.

His automatic braking feature and lane guidance system kicked in, slammed on his brakes and jerked his car back into his lane.

I've never been a fan before now, but ok.

The awkward reality that all historians face eventually: those so called plague pits of antiquity are frequently indistinguishable from mass graves associated with genocide.

My mother: You have to speak directly to my face so I can hear you.
Also my mother: *walks into a different room, sticks her head in a deep cabinet and then starts giving me instructions*

What I thought being a historian would be like: wandering around in a living history museum in amazing duds.
What it actually is like: explaining to your friend that lead isn't a odorless, tasteless "perfect" poison. It's an agreeable tasting perfect poison. (It's sweet.)

Bestie: I don't know where Trump gets off.
Me: Epstein Island.
Bestie: *flustered* Oh god.
Me: (sunglasssesmeme.gif)
Bestie: You aren't wrong.
Me: Thanks, you hate it?
Bestie: Yes.

You can buy the wildest stuff in the rural parts of the USA. I mean, stuff you probably should have a permit to own, let alone use.

There is an entire Ferris wheel carnival ride near me for 25k. You haul.

If you are bombing around the edge waters of reddit and you see a seemingly made up subreddit name that is weirdly specific and can't possibly be a real thing and is definitely a cheap dig at the comment above it...

Do yourself a favor. Leave the link blue.

Context: a Subaru is turning 20.
Me: Well, it's almost time to pick out your bumper stick theme. Jesusmobile, Outdoor Hippie, Extreme Liberal or Lesbian.
Friend: *laughing* Oh, I don't want bumper stickers.
Me: Better sell your car.
Friend: ... is it too late to choose "Lesbian?"
Me: ...weellll...

Legzilla: I would like very much to snuggle with you, or perhaps simply gaze adoringly into your eyes, mayhaps it is time for us to speak of many things?
ME: *starts setting up for a shower*
Legzilla: *teleports to the living room* Or perhaps you don't need me just now, at all, I hope?

Me: The problem with the purge is that you'd probably have to commit accessory crimes after the time limit. Sure, you can rob the bank, but two weeks later they get you for paying with stolen bills. And you can murder someone, but can you completely--
My friends: Shut up and watch the movie.

If it makes you more comfortable, you can wear them with tan-colored fishnets and get a cool tan pattern on them.

What I thought being a historian on the internet would be like: genteel chatter about antiquities.
What it actually is like: Explaining to people that human feces was used as an early form of biological warfare and anything that still glows in the dark 40+ years after manufacture is likely dangerous

Me: in the shower, where I can temporarily breath and smell because my allergies are smothering me this year
Legzilla: it would be a real shame if someone tore ass right now when you nose was free flowing. A REAL SHAME.

It was folks, it was.

Legzilla: *lets it rip*
Paint on the wall: *peels*

Hot Historical Take: the Great Pyramid is in fact a great machine that does something we don't understand, not a tomb. The reason for the sarcophagus? Engineers simply told poorly behaved Pharohs that they needed to die to power it or the whatever would break.

I don't like egg salad, hence I don't waste bacon that way.

Hoping this is for the best reasons.

Does anyone else, upon encountering slang on the internet, have an entire sanity assessment checklist they review before checking Urban Dictionary?

Not asking for a friend.

&^%$

I love that my best friend has consistently encouraged me to drop some juicy brick jokes into my writing.

Friend: Do *people* keep star charts next to the door, is that a *people* thing or is that a *you* thing?
Me: I... I don't recall becoming an authority on *people* at any time between birth and right now.

Due to overcrowding, officials are requesting that regular riders of the Strugglebus consider alternatives like the Struggle Light Rail, Struggle Bikes, or the good ol' Struggle Boots for their transportation needs.

You might want to find out if they were required to cut subcontractors and that's "hiding" the true extent of the losses.

Speaking for historians here; every time Trump says "like no one has ever seen" we're entitled to a swig of whiskey if we can think of a similar historical event within five seconds.

(Historians everywhere: hanging up the car keys for the duration.)