Jay Burns

“Those who believe in heaven on
earth, he said, are creating a hell”
- Graham Greene

Some days when you feel like the world is collapsing it’s comforting to watch Norm Abrams in the #newyankeeworkshop building a cigar chair. Thanks @pbs.org

Sometimes when I’m sad I rewatch the 1989 @pbs.org special “Tap Dance In America” with Gregory Hines and life feels good because the immense talent in that special existed. And I giggle when I hear “kick ball change” because I’m 12.

Best part about the rapture happening…. A hell of a lot less traffic. #punintended #rapture2025

The National Parks are amazing because they let you experience the wonder of nature while reminding you that bears can in fact run 35mph.
@parksexperience.bsky.social

I keep confusing Jake Tapper with Jon Taffer, so you can understand why I was confused that this season of Bar Rescue started with a maniac renaming the Gulf of Mexico.

Went to the opera last night. I couldn’t understand a word but let me tell you I cried. Mostly because I knocked over my $26 wine in a plastic cup.

Finally got the courage to start my OnlyFans. It’s just me staring at a fan. It’s a pretty cool gig.

This week was the first appearance of a rare, green turtle soup moon.
So rare it didn’t even happen. Ever.

Paleontologists found a dinosaur with tiny arms and believe it may be a lethal predator. Yet my partner mocks me every time I get my hand stuck in the Pringles cane.

If your “game” when flirting includes any manner of Borat speech… just know that if they want sex, it’s not because of your personality.

One of my love languages is “words of affirmation” but not from my partner- just strangers on the internet.

My love language is "sharing passwords"
We only become closer when "your queue" becomes "our queue"!

The older I get the chunkier I like my salsa. I’m pretty sure the day I day I’m gonna just want a tomato, onion, and cilantro like some sort of Tex mex IKEA.

There’s something so romantic about sharing your dyer sheets with a stranger at the laundromat. Sure that dude on hinge could catch a fish, but is he helping keep your clothes downy soft? I think not.

A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens but Scrooge is played by one of those screaming chicken things.

It took Trump this long to nominate Dr Oz because they had to convince him Dr. House wasn’t real.

It’s nice to RFK jr. eating McDonald’s with Elon Musk. I like knowing where all the things that negatively affect my bowels are located.

👀 😂

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon's trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

My jelly won’t jam but my jam will get make for a delightful breakfast treat.