Julie Lavender Menace 🏳️‍⚧️

The Internet has pissed me off before, but not targeted ads for wheelchairs piss me off.

I'll sing that I like to eat ooples and banoonoos, but I'm not really all that psyched.

[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope

i am mad as a waterlogged rooster I actually don’t know how mad that is but it sounds like a lot

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. "Skeet" Ravenscrof:

Vodka Shot Bingo,
7p to floor

If you can't have a good time,
Then you're just a bore

God bless.

Let's do BBQ first. Then I can make my bathroom stop extra meaningful for their Republican supermajority.

my colon: holy fuck bro, i gotta poop RIGHT NOW

me: omg ok, i got you fam

*goes to bathroom*

my colon: lol lmao jk bro

you ever dream about making things by hand and then mailing it to tech executives?

an African pixie frog wearing a small top hat is standing next to a sign that reads: 1. become famous 2. sell merch 3. buy pond

working on step one

We carry those in the murder shop.

*Taps the mic on the podium* IF YOU CANT HANDLE MOTHER IN HER WINTERS— YOU DONT DESERVE HER IN HER SPRINGS!!!!

I'm an atheist and I'm more "Christian" than most Christians.

(song by a squirrel, who lives by a canal, to the tune of the listener’s choice) 🎶

I live by a canal
Men built from the profits of some wars
But the trees are my tribe
And I realize this all means nothing anyway
They’ll all die sometime
I just play with my friends
And I feel fine
And I feel fine

reflecting on child abuse as an adult is so weird, to realize your parents never had a beef with you but took it out on you nevertheless

Some say the canaries still work down there, and on true crime nights with no sitcoms you can hear them cry like the phoenix to say just kidding, laughter

Choose a word. Think of it. Keep it to yourself, noone cares.

my own private blood moon happened in high school when I wore white jeans while on my period

The best way to avoid an expensive divorce is by not getting married in the first place.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

launching a satellite solely to unlock the secrets of your shitposting

Putting my flesh eating bacteria in an envelope and marking it return to sender, before dropping it off in a mailbox on my way home.

A week long celebration of dad jokes, call it The Paternity Fest

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

ate two chocolate croissants and am going to wear the remnants staining my face and hands all the way to yoga as a dare to somebody to point it out

ARE YOU A TERRORIST, CHRIS? NO I AM A SAGITTARIUS. I PROMISE YOU THIS ISN'T EVEN THE STUPIDEST THING I AM GOING TO YELL AT YOU TODAY.

They finally let me out of the leper colony when they realized I was just ugly.

I know you’re going to think this is strange, but what planet is this?

[man having heart attack during flight]
Flight Attendant: IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE HOUSE
Me: [raising hand] it’s not a house, it’s an airplane

life’s too short not to spend a little time harmonizing with other humans

What? "Revved up like a deuce"? No, that's not how English works. You have to actually say the words you want us to hear.

I'll make it weird, but you gotta be cool about it.