YWIR

What if a smart guy was really stupid.

Pain killers? No no, these are my nightmare pills.

* trainees somewhere listening to a call with me used for training purposes *

oh wow, this guy sounds really cool. i did not know these random deep sea squid facts.

Says here on your resume that you spent 500 years as an undead super fiend from another dimension?

Yeah! I was the mortal enemy of a psychopathic legion of motorcycle monkeys called the “Banana Gang”.

The ladies love my melted butter smell.

Ever have the sky suddenly lower itself and crush you? Surprise! I put you in the garbage compactor dimension, idiot!

Name: The Rat Man.

Super powers: eating cheese and solving electrified labyrinths.

They call them ladybugs because back in ancient times ladies actually looked like this.

Another glorious day of filling and emptying my beautiful bladder with nutritious and savoury tap water.

If i was a crow, i would try to find tiny pants to wear so everyone would know what a cool crow i was.

hot dog implies cold cat

Big Dog is getting big sick again! Time to drink bad coffee from a giant measuring cup while on the toilet fully nude! Awooooo!

Job? Let’s just say i am a bullet proof colossus that is also a werewolf.

Tortoise maxing, my dudes. Getting really big and slow and my head looks like a dick. Also, pretty much impossible to kill. I’m eating dandelions. I poop pellets now.

Look what i got.

What if instead of exercise, we uploaded my brain into an inflatable balloon man of some sort?

A fork in the road. Aura maxing or beast mode. I dunno what an aura is so …. BEAST MODE! Big dog out!

I am eating elastic bands again. Just copped a fresh bag of blue ones, since blue dye is the healthiest one.

Doctor says i have to stop eating elastic bands.

Starting to miss every cute that was ever nice to me and was out of my league but kissed my face anyway. It’s been 13 hours since i last saw one. I am dying.

You know the economy is bad when i am reduced to hanging out with girls that smoke cigarettes.

Executive order: NO MORE MAGNETS! Every one will use more fun tak, we have a large hole where we mine the stuff. A great hole. Oozing fun tak. I chew it like gum, but it’s worse than gum, believe me. Tastes bad, actually. Fun tak.

Had a lot of fun firing my new Lorentz Plasma Canon at used televisions at The Dump™️. I woke up a giant rat and it bit one of the dump kids.

Writing a 800 page children’s novel about a mouse that makes best friends with a crab.

Dang, internet goes out on date night. Guess we kiss with the webcam off tonight, sweetheartttt 😘

Bladder maxing (drinking water)

“they” do not want you eating crystals… wonder why

Got busted nipple maxing at the gym again. Final warning :(

Ever not google the answer for the sake of conversation? It’s pretty much a waste of time, but here I am, LANGUISHING IN THE UNKNOWN

Fight or flight? Tonight i chose.. flight.

*flies away like the absolute perfect angel he is. he flies to the window of the coolest babe in the city. she hits her vape and blows a heart shaped smoke ring. we kiss*