Lady Voldemort

The real tea is in the Venmo transaction feed! A lot of people don’t realize it. I actually found out my ex was cheating on Venmo lmao

I’ve been waiting for this to come out so I started it last night. Called the family after the second episode and found out that toddler nephew didn’t want to talk to me because he was watching the dinosaurs, which he’d also been waiting for. I completely understood his point lol

Marriage should be 50/50 (he does yard work while I play mermaids in the pool)

I think the next book about her life and how everyone in it has failed her should be called Born to Make You Happy and yes I do mean that in the grimmest way possible

I love her, I will always love her, and I hope she gets real help from a place of genuine love

I just said “like what’s next you don’t fuck with Pangea?” and spouse had no idea what I was talking about

Agree! I’ve never had a CZ piece that lasted. There’s so many better options too

Cat: [bf] was telling me on the tour of the capitol that Thomas Jefferson and John Adams were such best friends that TJ's last words were “thank god Adams lives on." That's us! Alison: Seriously. You be the president. I just want a beer named after me. Cat: dude that’s Sam Adams!

Text message exchange with Alison during:

Literally one of the best dates of my life was getting the tour at all of these places

One of my best auntie moves was making a big deal out of using facial mist sunscreen. So now I just ask them if they want some of my big girl skincare

Highkey insane. The kids have told me it’s a texture thing. But having a burn is way more horrible, you can’t just unzip your sunburned skin?!? And I had a pre-melanoma removed in college and my brother had one removed last year, so we all always wear sunscreen when auntie’s in charge!

Last year, I had a silent heart attack while boarding a plane.

A month later, someone on my husband’s flight had a heart attack mid-flight— he used the AED (after CPR was unsuccessful) and saved their life.

Both events happened departing from the same airport, which is not our home airport.

My shoulder started THROBBING

I’ve been in bed trying to sleep for almost two hours, and my brain is thinking things like “how terrifying it must have been for the plane passengers on 9/11!!” [the last voicemail messages they left for loved ones that my brain has memorized start playing]

I explained Costco to a billionaire at a dinner and he was about to call a helicopter to take us there to rubberneck and get $1.50 hot dogs

This is what it will be

It makes it easier, for brevity’s sake, that I spent 2.5 years in bed/at the doctor/in the hospital

Good demonstrative choices, gang!

I will have 3 days in person to tell prodigal best friend everything that’s happened to me in the last 5 years (and hear everything that’s happened to her)

Idk if this is more of powerpoint situation or flowchart

Selfie of me giving major side eye

Watching yet another series of unfortunate events unfold

I just gave my husband a silent glare so withering he said “hey you know what, I’d like to pay for more botox for you.”

Thank you!! I got it on Amazon last year, my niece picked it out lol

Not me sobbing during hip openers in Pilates

YES

Selfie of me in my pool wearing a pink and white ruffled bikini

First swim in the new pool!!!!

Taken right before I sacrificed a contact lens to the pool gods

You look gorgeous!!! So happy for y’all, congratulations!

I love hauling myself out of my pool to do pro bono work

Sending love ❤️

Selfie of me at the Pilates studio after my 20th class

I did my 20th Pilates class today 🎉

Very attractive selfie of me displaying my busted top lip

Four years ago today, I had my strangest aerial arts injury- I smacked myself in the mouth with the lyra

This post brought to you by scooping pollen off the surface of the pool without any sneezing— if you are considering doing the allergy shots that you do every week for years, do it. Mine took almost four years but it changed my life.