LST

my dad: [doing the walking up stairs behind couch thing]

the ppl that live in that house now: what the fuck

I love Christmas. It’s the one day I can eat like I’m on death row, surrounded by the people who put me there

My favorite Christmas song is “What Child is This?” because the title sounds like a person is pissed that someone brought a kid to their party.

Make sure you bury my coffin near a bathroom because death is long and I'm sure I'll still have to get up to pee.

Interview Tip: “The Betty Ford Clinic" is not an acceptable response to "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Our bad you can have anesthesia please don’t assassinate us

-Blue Cross

me: you can’t fire me, I’m a whistleblower

HR: first of all, that’s a kazoo

doctor: lets test your reflexes

me: thats a regular hammer

doctor: then i hope theyre good

If I'm added to a family group text, I just throw my phone away and get a new one.

One third of your life is spent sleeping

One third of your life is spent working

And one third of your life is spent waiting to skip ads

"Can I bum a cigarette?"

"Sure, but it'll work better if you put it in your mouth."

IKEA INTERVIEWER: Welcome. Make a seat.

ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?

INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

hello, 911? yes, there are a bunch of people here and they are absolutely DEMANDING some figgy pudding

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Plato: what's your name?

Socrates: Socra

Plato: Socra?

Socrates: SOCRATES NUTS!!!!

joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what

Imagine going to all of the trouble to whip it, but then not having the decency to whip it good.

Going to Walmart at 7pm is me clubbing these days

I hope when I die I'm either seen as benevolent or well-hung

Tried my hand at being a porch pirate without much success.

Probably because my parrot wouldn’t shut the fuck up.

I lost my gag reflex by deep throating garlic bread

If I'm guilty of anything, it's caring too much. And shoplifting

(during sex)

*pauses* Wait, did you say you have Red Lobster coupons?

My neck, my back, my sciatica attack.

Someone give me a Favstar trophy, for old times sake.