Matt Stache

Running wind sprints is just frolicking in straight line without the joy.

I realize it's March, but I've decided that one of my new year's resolutions is to unnecessarily roll my R's more in words such as "thrrrust."

People don't enjoy making noises with they mouths enough. Or, really, doing things with their mouths in general.

I shall do my part to fix this

"Jack, why are there plates in your fridge?"

"Sink was getting full."

Defenestrate me once, shame on you. Defestrate me twice, shame on ...

... wait, what? Four times???

Why didn't they move their offices to the first floor?!

When you've become more bold about wearing your great kilt a little higher on the knee, then the chilly wind blows and you say:

"Oh, dear, I may have made a tactical error"

Sleep is the weirdest thing. It's like "I'm going to lay here and pretend to be asleep, and eventually my brain will make be be asleep."

Context-Free Quote of the Day:

"There's a toilet in the front yard, but it's tasteful"

The bard did some things tonight that involved singing, drinking, playing tunes and telling stories. I'm stupidly fulfilled right now

I just paid $7.50 for a bud lite in a metal bottle. What is this, fucking Panther's stadium?

That reminds me of a joke I once heard: You know the difference between a catholic and a protestant?

A catholic will say hello when they bump into you at the liquor store.

*Orders a beer in a bar... then notices a pro-Trump sign*

Me to myself: "I'm going to beat a hasty exit before I'm hate crimed. But after I finish this beer, because I'm more afraid of wasting a beer than I am afraid of bigots."

Can we just get everyone to Google the phrase "Is Nicole Russell satire?" so it becomes a Google top search?

I just accidentally read one of her articles and I rediscovered religion in praying that it was a joke

Actual conversation I had today about brass instruments:

"It's not a 'spit valve,' it's called a 'water key.'"

"Yeah, and what comes out of it?"

"Spit."

While the sound of bagpipes might bring a swelling to one's heart and a tear to one's eye...

...What really makes my eyes water is when I'm adjusting the drone reed tuning peg and bridle, the drone end slips and I gag on the drone reed.

I've been asked to do a voiceover to replace an AI voice on a training video.

In Soviet Russia, you steal jobs from AI.

The astroturf has become sentient!!!!

The concept of "artificial intelligence" implies the existence of centipede intelligence, monkey intelligence, bermuda intelligence, and St. Augustine intelligence.

Five dollar idea of the day:
An architectural firm specializing in playground design.

"The Consultants Of Swing"

I bought an electric coffee percolator so I can cycle my coffee through four rounds of fresh grounds.

Forget cold brew concentrate. This is hot brew concentrate.

That Coldplay song must be about spilling turmeric powder all over the countertop.

My kitchen is entirely yellow.

A colleague just described my presentation voice as "Sam Elliot," which just goes to show you how my accent code switches based on the region of my audience.

Three questions with obvious answers:
1. Does a bear shit in the woods?
2. Is the Pope catholic?
3. Will a recording and copy of this presentation be available after the meeting?

Apparently, the phrase "drunk as fiddlers" is a known idiom.

This explains a lot actually.

Messaging my Sunday Brunch group chat:

"Is brunch a cult? Did we start a cult? This is a cult, isn't it?"

Tried to de-ice my car this morning but the scraper wasn't enough and I was out of vodka...

..sprayed cachaça on it instead but it was so cold that all I ended up with was frozen caipereñas on my windshields.

Context-Free Quote of the Day:

"You ever panic and order a pint of Guinness, that's what is like to drink with Matt Stache..."

"... Or that's what it's like to drive a Ford F-150. I don't know."

It's 5 o'clock somewhere, but it's lawn day every day.

There's a veritable roving flock of leaf-blowers and weed-whackers all day everyday in my neighborhood

"Wintery mix" does not contain as many yogurt covered pretzels and sugar-frosted chex as I had been led to believe.

This weather is bullshit.

I find empowering and motivating the idea that my mere existence pisses off at least a handful of people.

Let's keep that going. Life is worth living if for no other reason than spiting your enemies.

Ah yes, Charlotte Water Department. We pay them for water, and sometimes the water is available if they feel like it.