𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜

Look, I am going to need speakerphone to go away. Don't tell me you have no idea how ear buds or headphones work. If you use speakerphone out loud, people hate you. Same with keyboard clicky clacks. Are you a fictional cow trying to get heated blankets in the barn at the farm? Turn that shit off

Plenty of hotels have ghosts but only our hotel has yodeling ghosts

If you get a good deal with Trivago, why wouldn't you tell your friend? You chicklet tooth mother fucker.

as the dalai lama once said: give a wham give a bam but don’t give a damn

reverse skylight. what those worms doin

au·dac·i·ty

/ôˈdasədē,äˈdasədē/

1. a willingness to take bold risks

2. rude or disrespectful behavior; impudence

ex: a corporation asking a person to make a donation

a magic carpet that can’t fly but can do a really good coin vanish

A welcome mat that says “Welcome Matt” so only Matthews will feel good about visiting.

another year without getting my dream present: a trap door for solicitors

I am completely delusional (complimentary)

Realising a family gathering is like the Star Wars canteen.

Please, my masculinity, it’s very fragile

😂😂

one time my aunt stopped speaking to me for six months bc i dropped in the chat that chick-fil-a is closed on sundays so their employees can go get their abortions

my imaginary friend and i got a lot of looks on our tandem bike ride this morning

BREAKING: The United States has threatened to drop their biggest bomb on Iran. B-52s are being loaded with DVDs of the Melania documentary.

(dragged off in handcuffs)

Dateline: surprisingly, neighbours described him as an obnoxious loudmouth who stuck his nose in everyone's business

In a stunning reversal, 63 year old MC Hammer announces that you are now allowed to touch this.

I hate people who act like they're smarter than me just because they went to a fancy college and have a higher IQ and are gooder at thinkings.

To add a little whimsy to your day why not get a squeaky toy surgically implanted into your buttocks and just marvel at the endless hilarity that ensues every time you sit down?

If a toy says try me, I'll try it.

I preferred to play with the broken toys.

I bet you didn’t know your favorite toy as a kid says a lot about who you are today

Outdoor fruit stand with huge pyramid of oranges and tall round banana display.

they’re just begging for a car chase

"PUT THE FUCKING CASH IN THE FUCKING BAG OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FUCKING FACE OFF!"

And that was the last time I ever played Monopoly with the kids.

A vitamin I took got kinda stuck halfway down. So that's where my entire focus will be for the next 17 to 33 mins.

one time i sneezed and got 22 "bless yous" so yea, i guess you could say im pretty religious

How long does a midlife crisis last? Going on about 18yrs and I feel that might be a bit excessive.

i want drugs that get rid of the need for sleep

They should invent water that isn't obsessed with my cuffs