ME: omg i have so much to do today
BRAIN: best i can do is none of it so that you don't feel bad for only doing some of it
ME: that doesn't make any sense
BRAIN: don't tell me how to do my job
If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.
On the plus side, Kristi Noem just got more free time to finally catch those Dalmatians
I think she gave her soul away freely 😣
🎵 Tomorrow, tomorrow!
I love ya, tomorrow!
You’re always a day away🎶😉
disney should make cartoons people can actually relate to. none of us are ever gonna be a king. the lion should work at a plumbing supplies wholesaler
The CIA famously has nothing bigger to worry about than Rock music
The police are chasing me because they’re jealous
You can’t outrun the consequences of being stupid forever, but sometimes you don’t notice them, due to being stupid
You’re in her dms, I’m crashing my car into a fruit stand during a high speed chase
Two settings on a washing machine. One says NORMAL and the other says NORMAL with an asterisk next to it
My two settings
ME: pack a bag, we’re flying to kansas
MY WAYWARD SON: what kind of bag
letting jesus take the wheel and then realizing jesus don’t know how to drive, they didn’t have cars in jesus times
Just remember what this is all for…. Distracting from the Epstein files
We are seriously regretting submitting a bid to host the 2040 Olympics.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Fruit vendors ain't done shit to you.
Inject this directly into my veins
Insane
hey I went to the jerk store and nobody knew you. they turned it into a Spirit Halloween, all new employees.
Text message from parent describing children traumatized by ICE.
Text message from parent describing children traumatized by ICE.
Text message from parent describing children traumatized by ICE.
Text message from parent describing children traumatized by ICE.
ICE’s terror is traumatizing our kids.
Take a look at what these parents had to say.
Mia Valentina Paz Faria A 7-year-old from Venezuela who was living in Austin, Texas Detained for 70 days “I don’t want to be in this place I want to go to my school.”
UPDATE: Staff at the ICE concentration camp in Dilley, Texas have begun raiding the dormitories of kids and their parents to confiscate and destroy letters from the children. This is in response to the ace reporting by @micarosenberg et al for ProPublica:
“I don’t want to be in this place I want to go to my school.”
- 7 year old imprisoned by ICE for 70 days in a concentration camp in Texas.
Today, after @propublica.org published this story, the camp was raided to confiscate letters from the children.
www.propublica.org/article/ice-...
Protect your heart from breaking by padding it with soft cheese.
Megyn Kelly recoils at sight of mirror, understandably
i just saw the last three DOGE guys stealing a catalytic converter of a mail truck
Gone too soon 😆
It’s demented. Truly the word is so broadly applied it’s basically meaningless 😆
Thank you for introducing me to this term
Art
Weapons-grade audacity
