Potentate Hawtshot

*races to airport
*hurdles through security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*she turns and sees me
*romantic music swells
“I RAN OVER YOUR CAT”

Does an octopus dance well BECAUSE of all the legs or IN SPITE OF them?

I ...I thought you wanted to ask me bout all them burglaries I did, officer

We did it! These two old-timers went out to downtown Miami on a Friday night and had a couple of drinks at a swanky speak-easy! And now we're home before 9!
You really can have it all 🍸

Hey, how about gods don't need you to fight for them

A story where everything is fine? A nice, quiet 15 minute story with low stakes? YES PLEASE

Watching Hirayasumi on Prime

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

Black and white cat with green-blue eyes staring into your soul

Caturday is great, but I'd argue that Tuesday needs cats even more

Underside of my white cats chin and chest. Fur is separated into rows

Fur in top of cat head is lined into rows

I'm in love with my cat's fur-rows. Get it? Furrows?

cramming for this eye exam looking at every fucking thing I can

I am wise

I drink herbal tea so I can use the tea bags as a trash freshener

1pm or 6? Who can say? 🤷‍♀️

Is it just me or did the mail used to arrive at the same time every day?

Sometimes I plan ahead and buy a favorite dessert, like cupcakes, to have on-hand when I know I’m going to get high in the evenings & I’ll want something tasty to eat to really round out the experience. And what’s interesting about that is that it’s more planning than Trump made before bombing Iran.

Being head over heels is literally just standing up regular-style

couple on tandem bike = 2 dui’s

once again thinking about how not only is the global economy run by a shadowy cabal of pedophiles and warmongers but that removing the shadow so we know all their names now hasn't changed anything

I am now a lady who has peeled eggs in her purse

decaf coffee for the placebo effect

It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between your "Are we still on for tomorrow?" text and whenever they finally reply. Which they haven't yet, hence the background music.

There's an art show going on a couple blocks from work, so I went and bought a purse. Very cool art there

A guy was in the intersection waving huge US and T****p flags into traffic and I was so disgusted I missed my turn.

I didn't flip him off cuz he'd love that

If strobe lights gave me seizures, I'd be strobing every free moment

Sometimes life gives us too much character-buliding

IG keeps showing me ads for psychiatric help and...I didn't think it was that obvious

Hot take:
Umami is just salty

I've tried tasting anything more than salt in umami and I just can't

I know 😔

Evil people should die from their own stupidity, but I'll take what I can get

Not my husband 😞

And you as well!