"American Pope" sounds like a spiritual sequel to "King Ralph" not like someone who should be in charge.

Happy Steak and a BJ Day! A holiday observed by men who eat too much steak and not enough pū$§ŷ.

Happy Steak and a BJ Day! A holiday invented for Barstool Sports guys trying to make their gfs do two things they themselves would never do, even in college.

Sure sex is great but have ever bought yourself a two pack of jumbo size down alternative pillows at discounted price from your local Ollie's? #Ad

What if the hour we lost was replaced by the friends we made along the way?

I never anticipated being around this long. Nor did I imagine I'd voluntarily spend over an hour in a Walgreens that is closing hunting for deals, but here we are.

I find that the people who say "Get busy livin' or get busy dyin'." don't do enough of either.

Pissed off I had to work on #FlexFriday the weekend of the #Superbowl. Given that extra day I could've given Howie Ratner a run for his money in the desperation and depravity department.

Ever since I added "No Disney Adults" to my dating profiles, the herd has really thinned out.

What a year January has been.

Me if my brain was wet and had a flask.

When I'm not asking "What are we?" in the romantic sense, I'm usually asking in existential sense.

Thank you for all of the art and absurdity. Rest easy, David Lynch.
#InHeavenEverythingIsFine #FixYourHeartsOrDie

I'm fully aware I can't afford a financial advisor, but I need someone to convince me not to give in and purchase ALL the Sergio Tacchini track suits.

People who confuse etymology and entomology really bug me.

Page from a Christian book, chapter title reads WHAT KIND OF MUSIC DOES THE DEVIL LISTEN TO?

quick question

(Cop searching my car)

Cop: Sir, can you explain this?
*taps container*

Me: I have a prescription for that soup.

Betting on multiple sports is my degenerate idea of "diversified investing".

First pizza now, Luigi Mangione. Altoona, Pennsylvania has a way of ruining great Italian things.

Me when I die

[Batman at McDonald's]
What's your chicken sandwich called?

-A McChicken

And the rib sandwich?

-A McRib

[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

Now we're here.