Yesterday it was a whole calzone. Now it is half a calzone. In ten minutes it will be nothing.
- Werner Herzog says grace

Donald Trump's pronouns are me, my, mine.

Megyn Kelly is a crazy bitch.

The honor of being promoted from Friend to Housewife. The shame of being demoted from Housewife to Friend.

Wisconsin has two senators. One is a moron, and the other is not Ron Johnson.

I will inherit one million dollars and eat nothing but Girl Scout cookies.

I don't give a fuck about American Girl dolls. #SponsorablePost

I like a brand with sassy social media.

Even Trump can't ruin "Y.M.C.A."

It's hard not to call him Markwayne Mullet.

Kristi Noem's happy face is her sad face is her angry face is her sneezing face is her Corey-I'm-so-hot-for-you-I-can't-stand-it face.

The word of the day is . . .

I'm not a challenge beast and I don't have a good social game but my luxury item is a Gatling gun and that gives me a real edge.
#Survivor

Karoline Leavitt sure says the word "fact" a lot.

I'm Senf. I'll be your porter.
- Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Joke

My farts smell like Oreos.
#SponsorablePost

I positively dare The New Yorker to run a caption contest cartoon featuring a man talking to a priest in a confessional. Because I have the caption that will win that contest.

My ambition is to have some ambition.

"Look at me! I'm a semicolon!" Little shit.

The word of the day is . . .

Tasmania is baby Australia.

A large silhouette of Sierra Leone seen by dozens of much smaller silhouettes of Norway, in an approximation of sperm surrounding an egg.

Fun with geography: Norway and Sierra Leone

A.I. is two bots mansplaining to each other.

Do I favor boots on the ground? Yes, six boots in particular--Uday's, Qusay's, and Slenderboy's.

If you have a sandwich and then want to have a second sandwich, it means the first sandwich didn't do its job.

The word of the day is . . .

They should keep telling Trump they're going to give him the Nobel Peace Prize in about two weeks.

An ayatollah or a nepo dictator? Those are the choices?

Jared Kushner is Trump's Ambassador to Baksheesh.

Zumba, gateway to parkour