Lance Said This

Who's stopping you?

Which Pokémon do you reckon yields the tenderest meat

Just saw the biggest douche in the grocery store. At least I think he was, I was zipping down the aisle pretty fast on my Segway.

I used to eat what I want, drink constantly, never work out and still stay in great shape. And now that I'm older, I think 3 out of 4 ain't bad.

My dating profile pictures are like the beautiful Big Mac in the commercial, but I show up looking like the Big Mac in the drive-thru bag.

I am quite willing to negotiate. As long as you agree to 100% of my terms.

Just be glad this State of the Union didn't land on Mardi Gras or he woulda been tossing beads to every female in Congress.

Just be glad this State of the Union didn't land on Mardi Gras or he woulda been tossing beads to every female in Congress.

her: I wonder how many times someone has died in a hot air balloon

me: probably not more than once

I just want to be able to freely judge people without all the repercussions of being judged for it.

I got fired from my job writing billboards. I should have seen it coming, all the signs were there.

A little something from the neighborhood, folks...

Sorry man, took a quick nap. Won't happen again

Wow, Cupid looks really haggard this Valentine's Day-- Oh no, that's just Ted Nugent with a crossbow! Run!

They'll be registered at A-1 Express Car Wash.

i regret to inform you all that staying home instead of going out and spending money does in fact save money

If people hated the Bad Bunny Halftime show now, just wait until he develops into a full grown rabbit!

(pouring jack daniels into personalized champagne flutes) let’s make this animal house an animal home

after all why not? why shouldn't I believe it's butter?

Watching this Super Bowl, and I haven't seen such a strong, well balanced defense since that time I went on that Speed Dating session.

I just lost 12 grand on the Puppy Bowl because this stupid labradoodle decided to lick his own nuts instead of kicking the easy field goal. 🤦

[Arby's drive-thru]

(muffled voice from deep inside Trojan horse): ask for extra horsey sauce

If Richard Nixon would have just resigned during the Super Bowl halftime show, those ratings would have been through the roof!

Announcer: this program is intended for mature audiences

Me: *waving my bubble wand* well, I'm out

No new pictures, where are you mentally?

I 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 keep Posting... Or I could just put my phone on a raft, light it on fire, and give it the Viking funeral it deserves. 🔥

If you break enough lava lamps, then yes. The floor is lava.

welp I managed to get out of jury duty but unfortunately there were no survivors

The post-credit scene in the "Melania" doc, where Samuel L. Jackson introduces a new Marvel hero seemed out of place, but nothing in this administration surprises me anymore.