why are taters the only thing we’ve totted
06.03.2026 21:10
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why are taters the only thing we’ve totted
It’s Friday. Show somebody your butthole.
computer, piss me off
Don't even get me started on that slut Mr. Clean.
Funny thing happened while I was waiting for you to pick me. I chose myself-
Magic in your hands one minute, dropped and kicked under the stove the next. That reminds you though how the broken fixes itself when you make an appointment and maybe one pretend phone call is a wand
[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope
don’t be such a sensitive Susan
I just said your baby isn’t cute I didn’t slap it
I might actually be fun again, now that I’m not having a nervous breakdown
Somedays I wish I had earlids.
My therapist says it's perfectly normal that my imaginary crush has a crush on me.
You still gotta impeach ‘em, jail ‘em, generally grind their bones to dust and suchlike.
Bsky is like my house. If you don’t like the vibe you can get the fuck out
BOSS: We need you to think about your attire.
MICHELIN MAN: A tire! Got it!
Save the drama for your llama.
put my symptoms into WebMD and it said I have a really old joke format
People that ask you if you're really okay don't want you to say no.
I want to see other CEOs eat their products. Google CEO eats a computer. Airbnb CEO eats a pillow
i’m too awesome to suffer any consequences from hubris
my retirement plan is the collapse of civilization
Everyone wants shiny.
But no one wants to polish.
couple on tandem bike = 2 dui’s
what time is the ice cream injection into my mouth?
Hear me out: a cake you jump into.
Some say the canaries still work down there, and on true crime nights with no sitcoms you can hear them cry like the phoenix to say just kidding, laughter
There’s a movement to draft Barron Trump, but I think a campaign such as this would be more effective if it impacted someone Donald Trump knew personally.
This day in history. 1863. US president Abraham Lincoln signed the charter to create the National Academy of Sciences and charged the membership with the burden of regrowing the hair on his upper lip.
the odds of me killing a plastic plant are low but not impossible
