the perfect pretty girl

My life is like when It’s Joever met We’re So Barack and they kissed underneath a Cosmic Crisp Apple Tree

I would rather die single than date someone who didn’t like Gag Reflex by Elle Nash

Just got my post liked by a big account without them following me and I feel like a gay boy who just watched Call Me By Your Name for the first time

Israeli flag in bio detected, opinion rejected!

Grace thinks I’m insane because I have half a wheel of uneaten cheese in my fridge. I’ll show her. I’m the sanest girl alive!

Worried that all my followers are “AI” but only because it means they have nothing better to do than read a nineteen year-old influencer’s tweets

Told CoCo I would come over to watch her rehearse for her show, then said I had norovirus so I could go home and drink three cold Prime Hydration Beverages and fall asleep. Yes, this is a sponsored tweet for a Logan Paul product, but hey, Trump’s America, girlies.

Can’t watch Severance. Hits a little too close to home.

Sending someone a nude at work should be a crime

When Sabrina Carpenter said “and i promise the mushrooms aren’t changing your life” she was so real for that

Grace just told me instead of Cocomelon her kids are going to watch Al-Jazeera

In high school when we were going around signing yearbooks at least three separate people wrote something to the effect of “don’t change!” in mine. Girlies, I went to juvie. What do you mean “don’t change?”

I hate when you want just like a sip of coffee and then you have to pay six dollars at Starbs for a full coffee! Like great now I gotta be responsible for all this coffee!

Zoe Saldana is one of the most bankable stars in Hollywood and yet nobody knows what she actually looks like. I aspire to this

It seems like Substack is entirely comprised of articles complaining about: the dating scene, post-COVID New York, iPad babies, decline of the novel (again), social media, dimes square (still!), the plight of young men, AI, being in one’s 20s, being in one’s 30s, and Luigi Mangione. It rocks!

I know all about boys like you, I know, you’re a nice boy, you’re nice! I know, you only talk to me in the dark, in the dark!

Emily just told me “God is the best friend you wish you had” after literally trying to be my best friend for the entire last semester

It’s not my fault that I’m American, yet it’s my worst crime that I am.

Kathryn says I am “libtarded” for not finding racist Sam Hyde jokes funny. She left the church for being gay but I’M the libtarded one??

Coco is talking about “getting a sell-out job” and maybe “going into biology.” Ummm who is going to tell her?

Bitmojis are war criminal-coded.

Listening to Brat while eating a brat and feeling like a brat! I’m slaying!

Coco and Emily are three minutes late to our pizza date and I feel like a PACK ANIMAL. I’m stress-posting selfies and fake-mindfully sipping ice water.

Me: If you could ask anyone one question in the world, what would you ask them?

Emily: I would ask the pope what he will do to protect trans people

Grace: I would ask AOC when she decided to sell out

Kathryn: I would ask George Takei what he thinks of Quandale Dingle

I’ve timed the amount of seconds it takes me to flip between Instagram, Hinge, Goodreads, Facebook, BeReal and TikTok to check for new notifications— down to nine seconds now! I do this every five minutes. Keeps my thumbs healthy.

Grace is in Israel right now and just texted me “good morning.” Bitch it’s dark outside! I texted her back telling her she is “an oppressor”

Kathryn just texted me “Hey, Bob Bryar died. Got me thinking about our Chemical Romance” umm WHO IS BOB BRYAR???

If I had several million dollars, I would buy KnowYourMeme and hire a staff of journalists, critics, and historians to transform it into a world-class MUSEUM

Patricia Lockwood wrote “No One Is Talking About This” about how BlueSky is full of BOTS

Crazy how Elon Musk is now the main character on two (2!) Twitter clones