crimesididntcommit🏳️‍⚧️

it took all my restraint and all my strength to stop myself from saying “alternator? i hardly know her!” to my mechanic today

the beastie boys fought bravely for their right to do so. to not would be to dishonor their great sacrifice

c’mon, it was a thursday!!! how else are you supposed to get through the week!!!

realizing i had a viper-level experience makes me feel so happy with my life

imagine the “how’d you two meet” story we’d have. it would be so romantic!!!

i made a huge mistake not going. one of those crack-loving baddies could have been my future crack-loving wife for all i know

two very pretty, well put together, normal-seeming women started casually smoking crack in public as if it was the most normal behavior in the world and invited me to an orgy last night. people are very strange these days

you touchin my tunes, bro???

the gay club was playing gay porn without nudity

demon hours

poppers vending machine

rfk in shambles

i am going to scream and sing some songs i wrote tonight

girl dinner

wednesday night, goth night baby

running and performing this show and could not be more hyped

i’m a menace

john madden lived in that pussy. john madden breathed in it, housed himself in it, formed cherished memories and filled up several diaries in it. john madden immersed himself in the pussy’s world and VR gaming was inspired by his experiences in it. but i wouldn’t expect you to know all that

i’ve never watched football but i know this to be true

stop rolling crimson wheels across the bones of my dreamscape’s residents challenge!!!

they’ve got me running on a giant hamster wheel to power a machine that makes my bad dreams bleed into real life

a friend of mine called me a party girl the other night and i realized i couldn’t argue otherwise

about 40% of people are made completely out of pine cones inside

[about to get banned from dollar tree] vuvuzelas are BACK

the biggest lesson i’ve learned in my late 20s has been that if you have too much cheese close to bed you’ll have weird dreams

when there’s no more room in london, mr bean shall walk the earth

if mr bean bites you or gets any of his blood in your mouth you become him

28 days later but all the rage zombies are just mr bean running at cillian

billions are awaking to find themselves talking exclusively like mr bean, in what many who can still speak clearly are calling “the great beanening”

it was the warmup for people writing his next movie civil war off based on title alone, the guy’s track record is damn-near pristine and it amazes me how kneejerk so many reactions have been to his work in this decade. at his worst he’s still really compelling and uses sound better than anybody rn

[australian pinhead voice] oim the hellraisah!!!

who do you gotta talk to to put your integrity up for sale, is there a specific auction house you gotta go through or something

i would like to befriend a person made entirely out of metal or rain