anna melissa 🍒✨

*takes bow* thank you 😌🥰

please admire my garlic cheesy bread.

this was my first attempt at making bread from scratch. i’m so happy with it lmao.

god doesn’t take your hair if you’re pure of heart.

& if he does & you are pure of heart, he makes you hot bald.

no one:
men: “on my substack…”

“the copy is so clear. where’d you learn how to write?”

thanks my parents got a divorce & used me to communicate with each other through passive aggressive bathroom mirror letters my entire childhood. hbu?

i get offended when a platform asks me if i want to use AI when i'm typing something.

like DO YOU NOT THINK I CAN WRITE A COHERENT SENTENCE????!!!!

😭😭😭

how do i get my exes deployed

my clients rn are the easiest people to work with. wow. & they pay every friday. life is good. lmao.

knowing how to cook might actually be the only thing i’ve actually mastered lmaooo

not even my job i get paid for 😂

it’s genuinely such a flex that my mom was such a good cook & taught me all the basics so that now that i’m an adult, whenever i’m craving something, i know how to make it.

of course i got a mosquito bite on my forehead. that feels on brand for me.

if i ever decide to start dating again, i’m gonna put up a chart like this so they know i’m judging them

this is like a textbook example of managing egos in the workplace lol

for anyone that’s ever worked in corporate, mamdani is the perfect example of why it’s an extremely valuable skillset to be able to manage up. lmao.

Rui Hachimura has been ruled out for tonight at Phoenix.

i’m gonna start selling my used clothes on depop & listing it as game worn

maybe one day i’ll tell y’all the story about how i at 15 years old, was a laker super fan getting groomed by one of the players 😭

you don't want Pablo Torre on yo ass. he is *GOING* to find out what you had for lunch during the 2nd week of March in 3rd grade.

maybe let’s not humanize a pedo

the college i went to is such a special place. i graduated 10 years ago (omg lol) & my former counselor still sends me job listings with, “i thought you would be wonderful for this.”

i’m surprised she still remembers me. 🥲

a cultural anthropologist ✨

Kevin Durant: face of the NBA Internet Era How one superstar's career mirrors the evolution of social media

After months of editing and research (reading old KD tweets), I am so excited to finally share this piece.

I wrote about Kevin Durant and the internet:
open.substack.com/pub/mollyhmo...

king harris and i are the same kind of petty 😂😂

oh yay!!! i’m glad you tried them. they’re soooo good!

if you vote me in for governor of california, i’ll ban all men from becoming instacart shoppers.

if you vote for me for governor of california, i’ll instate a mental health evaluation requirement to purchase podcast mics.

kinda wild that people type in a bunch of prompts & proudly share their AI generated “art” like they made it themselves.

bro, you didn’t make that. plankton’s wife made that.

i don’t trust a single person when it comes to cookies. every single time someone has told me that a cookie was good, it’s been horrible.

y’all don’t know good cookies.

2 friends with adhd trying to find time to catch up is like the adult version of playing tag