I hate this I hate this I hate this, but I am *actively* asking for help today. I know many of us are, and who the hell am I, but if I have ever made you laugh and you are in a position to do so, I would be SO grateful for a tiny contribution. A stopgap solution has failed, and friends, I am undone.
Nobody says "let's rock and roll" any more. Now they mostly say stuff like "put that down" and "stop biting me"
You wanna know what I'm thinking? Why is the A Team theme song always playing in my head? I'm not a bad person, I don't deserve this.
Before social media, I could go months without interacting with another human. I talked to mailboxes
Thinking of giving up completely, digging myself a sod-roofed shelter out of a rocky slope, and keeping a modest potato garden by the bog edge while trying to get in with the local minks and shrews. Perhaps finding a niche in the bog economy. Perhaps just apprenticing to become a marmot.
Pour two scoops of scrabble tiles in my brain and close the lid, that'll hold me for a few weeks
For just 3.99/hour I will perch above your front door like a human gargoyle and screech at passers-by. I will also do this if you don't pay me
I like to live in my woodpile in the few weeks before the peepers start their little engines. I drink whiskey and think about our narrow definitions of life and death
Did you know?
90% of an iceberg is under water. That's also where seals have their apartments, sushi restaurants, and nightclubs.
#TheMoreYouKnow
I like to imagine the dream people I left behind when I woke up, who probably just saw me vaporize, debating what they think may have happened to me and trying to decide which agency they should call.
Thanks, Word of the Day, I already know "morose."
Listen, I know I've barely mentioned my secret underground monorail lately, but I didn't want to get lumped in with certain other supervillains in the news.
Stop using AI you fucking morons
The ratio of flat-out dickheads to cool people dying is some serious bullshit
My love is a balloon after the party is over, floating just above the floor, pushed by unseen forces, going from room to room looking for snacks
Give the gift of unsolicited advice
thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)
Sweet-cheeks, can you ask the unholy and dreadful spectre in ye root cellar to bring up some turnips? ‘tis almost supper
*bloodless stare* yes...festive
There is no next year, only Zuul.
I've resolved to remove meat from my diet except for what i can catch so watch your ass out there
"engage your core" what am I, a nuclear power plant? The earth? Do I look like an apple to you?
💯
you know who else circles back? vultures
More like mental hellth amirite lol
(threatening) god is everywhere
If ww3 goes nuclear, I'm going full Joker mode and starting a cult in the sewers
Last time i was raptured they were all like no way, bro
Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there's no money or drugs stashed in it
And so, in summary, fuck everything
