Jem Roberts: Author &c.

My contingency plan if ever aliens do invade the planet is to make it clear that I am really really into aliens.

I quite like scenes of a sexual nature, but I prefer sex of a scenic nature.

If you're happy and you know it, don't be smug.

I just wish I could travel to the independent country of New York. :(

Birding with West & Edmondson, or with Bean & Moir? But which is best? There’s only one way to find out……. ask Bill Oddie.

Yes, Omid Djalili may have turned into the most toxic form of faeces – but he did once do a quite funny comedy laugh in an episode of Black Books. Let's not spoil that legacy.

Weird to think that the USA will never be taken seriously ever again as a force for good – obviously not in real life, but forever now in fiction, in Hollywood movies. Nobody is ever going to buy any specific "USA" entity as the good guys in our lifetimes.

The Frood As a wise ape once observed, space is big – vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly so. However, if you look too closely at space, it becomes nothing but lumps of rock and sundry gases. Sometimes it's necessa...

Douglas Adams should have been 74 today. Let's all keep faith that he would have been a lovely old fella, immune to the fascist propaganda which has wholly ensnared so very many of his friends and contemporaries.

Anyway, here's his official biography: www.penguin.co.uk/books/419319... 🤖

You know how male chicks are thrown straight into the grinder in the egg industry, being of absolutely no use to anyone?

Barron Trump.

What most people forget is that 99% of the world’s population had literally never heard of “Charlie Kirk” until his neck burst. He was just a character created and promoted by American fascists. He never mattered to anyone that mattered.

Seeing American fascists try to use the bloody BIBLE to live their lives by – and destroy the world – is like watching a drunk old man trying to light a fire in a fridge with wet matches as piss pours out of his pyjama leg.

Seeing American fascists try to use the bloody BIBLE to live their lives by – and destroy the world – is like watching a drunk old man trying to light a fire in a fridge with wet matches as piss pours out of his pyjama leg.

What most people forget is that 99% of the world’s population had literally never heard of “Charlie Kirk” until his neck burst. He was just a character created and promoted by American fascists. He never mattered to anyone that mattered.

You know how male chicks are thrown straight into the grinder in the egg industry, being of absolutely no use to anyone?

Barron Trump.

Oh what a tangled web we weave at our Tangled Web Workshop, only £100 per session!

I'm all for drone strikes. If Bertie Wooster & Pongo Twistleton feel they deserve better pay, they should dashed well down cocktails!

If I was a Spice Girl, I'd be Massively Incongruous Spice.

Christ, I can smell your opinions from all the way over here.

I'm definitely not the only '90s film student who has recently gone from feeling sad that Quentin Tarantino only planned to make one more movie, to not particularly giving a flying toss if everything he has ever done was wiped from existence. Especially: breathing.

If I was just a smidge less professional I could spend most of my time explaining just how bad 99% of all other books about comedy are, and why.

Hugh Jackman sings for Rupert Murdoch at billionaire’s 95th birthday party Actor reportedly performed numbers from his 2017 film ‘The Greatest Showman’

For those of us who couldn't care less about Hugh Jackman but who have always rightly despised The Greatest Showman, this is a lesson – no matter how repulsive a cultural polyp might be, it can always be made even more contemptible. www.independent.co.uk/arts-enterta...

The Other Bennet Sister first trailer revealed as air dates confirmed Reimagining the world of Pride and Prejudice through the eyes of Mary Bennet, the new period drama brings a fresh perspective to Jane Austen’s iconic story

If Jane Austen knew we were still pumping out this sewage in 2026 she’d presume humanity ran out of ideas at some point in the late 19th century. This is the equivalent of them making spin-offs about minor Two Pints characters in 2226. www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/...

Spike had to get publishers to put his senile racism into proper paperbacks.

I love a Sunday roast: Stupid Sunday! Some shops are closed & no one goes to church, it's shit. Lord’s day? More like snored’s day, am I right? No but really, you're a good sport, Sunday.

God seems to have forgotten my daily bread today. Again. If this continues I shall have to write a letter.

All actors yearn to play the Dane. Sandi Toksvig really is a demon at Mario Kart.

How can we make Barron Trump pay for all the horrific things he’s going to do before he does them?

"WHAT IS THIS UTTER UTTER UTTER AUDIO ORDURE AND WHY IS IT BEING FORCED INTO MY DISCERNING EARS?"

"That, sir, is our entry for this year's Eurovision Song Contest."

"Well, it sounds like exactly what all the Zionist/amoral scum not boycotting this year's contest deserves to hear."

If billionaires hate poor people so much, why are they dead set on creating so many more of them?

Sometimes I just want to stick a pin, absolutely anywhere, in a map of the world, and then go back to bed.