Canadian Bacon

😂😂 excellent

After a long day, I just want to slip into a warm pair of garlic bread slippers.

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

Still waiting on a motherfucker to tell me how to get to Sesame Street.

Triscuits + cheese = dinner

could be a nothing burger...but it could also be an everything bagel

We don’t agree on much, but I think we can all agree with the way Johnny Cash sang ooooooo in Ring of Fire

I want to stay home and talk to my dog about squirrels

I bet if I changed my pfp, I could hang out here incognito for a week

please accept my sincerest oopsie daises

You come into my house and expect me to be wearing pants?! The nerve.

Why do we even pay taxes anymore??

It’s terrifying

I mean…ya

Offering $15 foot rubs. Pay me $15 and rub my feet

fart on his pillow to show you care

Why isn’t everything made out of cake anymore?

i hate that i’m old enough to make joint jokes that aren’t about weed

People that ask you if you're really okay don't want you to say no.

waking up to another marvelous day of ahhh fuck

I simply do not understand why aliens don’t want to abduct me

Going to start using the word whilst just to piss people off.

Sometimes I just want to hug an enormous blueberry muffin

Slipping into bed extra early and not feeling guilty is the new black.

I really need everyone to get less stupid

Misery would be a good girls name.

Hear me out: a cake you jump into.

Well, my dog agreed you're wrong.

Dishes that make it into the dishwasher without my assistance is some kind of miracle.