Brian Bilston

A pic advertising my list of shows for my autumn 2026 tour: Aberdeen; Aberystwyth; Bakewell; Bellaghy; Bridport; Bristol; Bude; Bury St Edmonds; Cardiff; Cardigan; Chorley; Colchester; Corsham; Coventry; Croydon; Darwen; Deal; Exeter; Glasgow; Guildford; Harpenden; Helmsley; Kidderminster; Leeds; Liverpool; London; Loughborough; Malton; Manchester; Monmouth; Newark; Norwich; Oxford; Pocklington; Sheffield; Stamford; Stirling; Stroud; Sunderland; Ulverston; Winchester; Worthing.

I’m about halfway through writing my show for this autumn: How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside. It’s based around my book of the same title, out in April.

Some shows are close to selling out: a big thanks to everyone who has bought tickets. A full list of dates is here: brianbilston.com/events/

Thanks, Katie. All poetry is best consumed alongside wine and lemon drizzle, particularly the former.

Wealthy Dubai residents race back to UAE to avoid tax bills Some risk spending too few days in the emirate and too many in the UK

Tax exiles stuck in London desperately trying to get *back* to Dubai to avoid becoming tax resident in the UK? Just great stuff. giftarticle.ft.com/giftarticle/...

Quietly, calmly and forensically, BBC just dismantled the Trump communications shitshow on Iran.

No hyperbole, just laying out an unprecedented military, diplomatic and reputational shambles.

Worth a watch.

(🎥 BBC News/BBC Verify)

Sadly true.

Smug! Love it.

Morrissey’s Fridge by @brianbilston.bsky.social
(illustrated by me)

I’m afraid so, Nigel.

Thank you.

How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside: An Alternative Guide to Writing and Enjoying Poetry An Alternative Guide to Writing and Enjoying Poetry

Given it’s World Book Day, I suppose I should mention that ‘How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside’ comes out next month: a collection of new poems, which doubles up as a guide to enjoying & writing poetry.

Signed copies available through the indie bookshops and here: uk.bookshop.org/a/295/978103...

Book Group The last Thursday of every month was Book Group,
when the books would gather together to discuss Brian. “It’s no fun here any more,” remarked Bleak House, glumly.
“Why doesn’t he read us?” whined the Grapes of Wrath. “It makes me so angry!” 
“I’m sure he only bought me so he can show me off to his friends,”
complained Ulysses, in a stream of self-consciousness. “I bet he can’t even remember my name, The Idiot,”
muttered a voice from the Russian literature section.
“That’s because he avoids you like The Plague,” said another.
“C’est vrai!” came a cry. “It is like I do not exist.” “Let’s not give up on him yet.” It was Brave New World.
After some Persuasion, they agreed to give him one last chance.
“Be quiet!” cried Waiting for Godot with Great Expectations.
“Here he comes now!” Brian entered the room, with his phone.
He sat down and watched some videos of baby pandas falling over.
After an hour or so, he started googling cats dressed as celebrities. On the shelf, the books waited with uncracked spines,
their silence speaking volumes. Brian Bilston

In celebration of World Book Day, here’s a poem called ‘Book Group’.

Morrissey’s Fridge   Morrissey was filled with sudden self-doubt, as he shut his fridge door – did the light never go out? Brian Bilston

Here’s a short poem called ‘Morrissey’s Fridge’.

This is the exact same Guy you could find 2,000 years ago as a Roman senator gleefully listing the number of Germani slain and sold into slavery, 900 years ago exulting in the sack of Jerusalem, or 100 years ago celebrating 500 yards taken on the Western Front. Timeless chickenhawk scum.

🎉 Extra Date Added!

We are delighted to announce that Brian Bilston, Twitter’s unofficial Poet Laureate, is returning to Seamus Heaney HomePlace for an extra night on Saturday 7th November 2026.

🎟 Tickets on sale now > tinyurl.com/ykjn5a2t

How Much I Dislike the Daily Mail    I would rather  eat Quavers that are six weeks stale,  blow dry the man bun of Gareth Bale,  listen to the songs of Jimmy Nail,  than read one page of the Daily Mail.    If I was bored  in a waiting room in Perivale,  on a twelve-hour trip on Network Rail,  halfway through a circumnavigational sail,  I would not read the Daily Mail.    I would happily read  the autobiography of Dan Quayle,  1001 Things You Can Do With Kale,  selected scripts from Emmerdale, if it meant I didn’t have to read the Daily Mail.    Far better to  stand outside in a storm of hail,  scratch a blackboard with a fingernail,  be swallowed by a humpback whale,  than have to read the Daily Mail.    If I was blind   and it was the only thing in Braille,  I still would not read the Daily Mail.    Brian Bilston 

Today’s poem is called ‘How Much I Dislike the Daily Mail’.

Sorry about that

Picture of Marjane Satrapi alongside a quote from her. The quote reads: The world is not divided into countries. The world is not divided between East and West. You are American, I am Iranian, we don't know each other, but we talk together and we understand each other perfectly. The difference between you and your government is much bigger than the difference between you and me. And the difference between me and my government is much bigger than the difference between me and you. And our governments are very much the same... - Marjane Satrapi, Iranian-French graphic novelist

Thinking about this quote from Persepolis creator Marjane Satrapi again.

Just to add that my 6th Nov show at the Seamus Heaney Centre in Bellaghy has now sold out - so another one has been added for the following evening. All details here: brianbilston.com/events/

I hadn’t, but thanks for the link - I enjoyed that, it’s very silly.

“I have measured out my life in Wetherspoons”.

Thank you

There really should be

A pic advertising my list of shows for my autumn 2026 tour: Aberdeen; Aberystwyth; Bakewell; Bellaghy; Bridport; Bristol; Bude; Bury St Edmonds; Cardiff; Cardigan; Chorley; Colchester; Corsham; Coventry; Croydon; Darwen; Deal; Exeter; Glasgow; Guildford; Harpenden; Helmsley; Kidderminster; Leeds; Liverpool; London; Loughborough; Malton; Manchester; Monmouth; Newark; Norwich; Oxford; Pocklington; Sheffield; Stamford; Stirling; Stroud; Sunderland; Ulverston; Winchester; Worthing.

I’m about halfway through writing my show for this autumn: How to Lay an Egg with a Horse Inside. It’s based around my book of the same title, out in April.

Some shows are close to selling out: a big thanks to everyone who has bought tickets. A full list of dates is here: brianbilston.com/events/

Common Peephole     She came from Greece, she had a faulty socket. Her eye fell out, she couldn’t stop it.   That’s when I caught her eye. Brian Bilston

Pulp poetry.

Brilliant!

Beautiful!

Hannah Spencer walking into Westminster, sucking her teeth, tutting, and muttering "tell you what, you've had some cowboys in here."

Allister heath headline generator: Allister Heath The catastrophic reality of manchester losing another plumber is finally dawning on the British public

A pic of me hiding behind a book, next to my beautiful cat. Next to us are the details of the festivals I’ll be heading to this year to read poems:   12th March: Keswick, Words of the Water Festival 28th April: Guernsey Literature Festival 30th April: Wrexham Carnival of Words Festival 1st May: Tunbridge Wells Literary Festival 2nd May: Dorchester Festival, Dorchester-on-Thames 9th May: Filey Literature Festival 3rd June: Leek Arts Festival   More details are here: https://brianbilston.com/events/

I'm reading poems at a few literary festivals this year - including ones in Keswick, Guernsey, Wrexham, Tunbridge Wells, Dorchester-on-Thames, Filey & Leek.

Words on the Water has sold out, but tickets are on sale for the others. Info on those, plus my autumn tour, is here: brianbilston.com/events/

Hope you go halves with me on the winnings.